Nursing U's Podcast
Nursing U is a podcast co-hosted by Julie and Caleb. We embark on an educational journey to redefine nursing within the modern healthcare landscape.
Our mission is to foster an open and collaborative environment where learning knows no bounds, and every topic—no matter how taboo—is explored with depth and sincerity. We delve into the essence of nursing, examining the intimate and often complex relationships between nurses and their patients amidst suffering and death.
Through our discussions, we aim to highlight the psychological impacts of nursing and caregiving, not only on the caregivers themselves but also on the healthcare system at large.
Our goal is to spark conversations that pave the way for healing and innovation in healthcare, ensuring the well-being of future generations.
'Nursing U' serves as a platform for examining the state of modern civilization through the lens of nursing, tackling issues that range from violence, drugs, and sex to family, compassion and love. We will utilize philosophy, religion and science to provide context and deeper understanding to the topics we tackle.
By seamlessly weaving humor with seriousness, we create a unique tapestry of learning, drawing wisdom from the experiences of elders and the unique challenges faced in nursing today.
Join us at 'Nursing U,' where we cultivate a community eager to explore the transformative power of nursing, education, and conversation in shaping a more whole and healthier world."
Disclaimer:
The hosts of 'Nursing U', Julie Reif and Caleb Schraeder are registered nurses; however, the content provided in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered medical advice nor should it be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or health concerns. The views expressed on this podcast are personal opinions and do not represent the views of our employers or our professional licensing bodies.
Nursing U's Podcast
Ep #010 - Finding Light in Chaos: Transformative Healing and Growth in Nursing
Imagine feeling trapped in a career that once ignited your passion but now feels suffocating, much like living with an overbearing parent. We've been there, and in this episode of Nursing U, we're opening up about how the healthcare system can sometimes leave us feeling disillusioned and lost. Through our own stories of transformation and healing, we explore how taking extreme accountability can guide us to a place of light and understanding, even in the most challenging times. We reveal how shifting our perspective and cultivating positivity can turn difficult relationships and experiences into powerful catalysts for personal growth.
High-pressure environments like emergency rooms and ICUs often come with an emotional toll that can cloud our consciousness with negativity. Here, we discuss how a rigid mindset can block us from realizing our true potential and explore the liberating power of a more fluid approach to thoughts and beliefs. Emphasizing self-love and self-compassion, we share insights on breaking free from the cycles of negativity that many in the nursing profession face, and the importance of recognizing one's true worth amidst the chaos.
The pandemic's isolation amplified these challenges, pushing many to their breaking point. Yet, rock bottom can sometimes be the foundation we need to build upon. We discuss the therapeutic power of creativity and share how woodworking provided an unexpected source of solace and productivity. From the profound impact of gratitude and affirmations to the intriguing potential of vibrational beds and fecal transplants, this episode promises actionable insights and a glimpse into future conversations that aim to foster both personal and professional growth. Join us as we navigate the healing journey together, finding purpose and positivity along the way.
We're back. Hi, I'm Julie and I'm Caleb. Welcome to Nursing U, the podcast where we redefine nursing in today's healthcare landscape.
Speaker 2:Join Julie and I as we step outside the box on an unconventional healing journey.
Speaker 1:It was really giving us hell there for a little bit. It was really giving us hell there for a little bit. It was really giving us hell there for a little bit.
Speaker 2:It was really giving us hell there for a little bit. It was really giving us hell there for a little bit. Our mission is to create an open and collaborative experience where learning is expansive and fun.
Speaker 1:From the psychological impacts of nursing to the larger implications on the healthcare system. We're sparking conversation that leads to healing and innovation.
Speaker 2:We have serious experience and we won't pull our punches, but we'll also weave in some humor along the way, right. So this will be coming out after it's been out for two months, and we won't shy away from any topic, happy or not, from violence and drugs. It seems to be going along. People are listening to it, they're listening to it, so that's great. But we're bringing insights from philosophy. Surprise, not surprise. I mean surprise, not surprise. I mean we're going to understand the human experience.
Speaker 1:I'm like clearly everybody Saturday and listen to all of them. Yeah, I mean, you never know, you could be driving, you could be going to the grocery store.
Speaker 2:You could have earbuds in, you could be in your backyard gardening listening. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, headphones.
Speaker 2:That's great. That's what I do.
Speaker 1:So today we're going to Welcome to the last conversations before we had the guest. We talked about kind of the mess that had been made from for both of us, just with where we kind of ended. It just felt like a mess. I know, for me it just felt like when I left the hospital, everything was a mess. Nothing made sense. Nothing was making sense why I was doing it. Why were you keep coming back? Why don't you love it anymore? Why are you so angry? It just felt like a mess.
Speaker 1:And so we were talking and I think we need to uh talk about how to start cleaning up the mess. You know, whatever your mess looks like, how to start doing that. And what were we talking about? And you were like I think I'll say that when you were talking about um, one of the things that you were gonna, that you did to kind of clean up your mess, because we were talking about. We were talking about, um, how we feel about the health care system and how we feel like it was kind of abusive parent, and because we both grew up in it, we were you're young. You bet you're most people, you know you're young when you're a nurse, when you begin grow legs yeah, you do got to grow legs and and it just sometimes feels like I mean, I know, when I left I was like fuck you, I'm never coming back. And I maybe you were similar, so you were saying you know, what I, what I, what I was leading with uh in our kind of pre conference or pre conversation?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Pre-conference Was just that I left. I left the podcast with with Brandy, feeling like I was trying to justify a system that is broken and that was not. You know, I I spent a lot of time reflecting on the position that I was taking. I was kind of, you know, I felt like it was going to a place that was more negative than constructive. I'm not really interested in just bashing and focusing I don't want to focus on on negative, negativity and because that is one of the tools that I've used to exit, I mean really darkness, exit the darkness of of the world that I created for myself, the you know which. You know, there there is a an element of, of extreme accountability that you have to adopt in picking your life back up. It doesn't mean that all of all of the darkness was created by you or your choices, but to get out of that darkness, there is an element of having to, you know, can confront yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, take extreme accountability, uh, for yourself and for the choices that you're making, and and um, and so one of the one of the tools that I've used to exit that darkness that brought light into that darkness, was choosing to see the positive in others, and so, even with people that have hurt me remarkably deep, I found the good things. In fact, one of the spiritual leaders that I'd worked with years and years and years ago, at the very beginning, he had me sit down and write um for my dad about a prayer between me and god about my dad, and you know it was. It was entirely mine. I don't know that I ever even shared it with him. It was mine, but it what it did was um, it allowed me to speak words that were good about my dad, over and over, and over and over, every day, like months a year.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't remember. I couldn't give you an exact timeline of how many times I recited that prayer, but I recited it enough times that I began to see the positive in my father, even though I had deep, deep wounds from him, and by engaging in that activity, it really restored that relationship tremendously. So you know, and you know he's not perfect, no, he's still. You know we still. We don't agree on everything, we don't. I mean there's a lot of things that we don't agree on, but I think, and I think, that he chose the same thing, whether he did it in an active form or otherwise, or maybe he didn't do anything, maybe it was that I changed myself and then that gave him something to connect to. Yeah, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Well, and you're viewing him in a different light and you're viewing him in a different light. So you're, you're, you've changed. You change, being positive, speaking positive at in the active sense of doing it changes the energy, it changes the vibration and you start attracting different vibrations from your father. And so, whether or not he did anything, you changing, changed, it, changed it. Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So, really, that's really kind of one of the like root, like foundational elements of what I was, why I was trying to push back. I'm not trying to justify the brokenness of the system. I'm not trying to get to to convince anybody to stay in the system that's so broken. I mean, we've said this before we want everyone to take accountability for their own mental health, for their own, for them, for their own selves. We are not trying to take responsibility for anybody, we're just trying to have the conversation and and share what we have done to put ourselves back together. Yeah, so that was really the, the, the core of it, but it really prompted me to really start thinking about all of the tools that I have amassed in this process so that, you know, in in this putting it back together pod, we can hand over some some really beautiful tools to people that are, you know, just right there, it's just low laying, low laying fruit. I mean it. It it's simple stuff, but actually doing it will change your life. It will change your life.
Speaker 1:It's incredible, literally, yeah. And I think that as nurses, because I think often, why did it take me so long? You know, I mean, even after I quit drinking, I still, I was still nursing, I was still doing all of that, I was still allowing a lot of things to keep me ill and dark, and but I think that nurses, especially critical care we give you, push, neo, instant, instant change. Uh-huh, yeah, instant yeah, and so yeah, I always wanted instant gratification from something Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So if I'm going to take the time and I'm going to do something, I want to see it Uh-huh.
Speaker 1:I'm going to take the time and I'm going to do something. I want to see it and a lot of the tools and what I've realized is they seem almost silly, they seem useless and like why? You know really, because it's about consciousness, right, it really is, it is. And so I think if people nursing nurses can see that you know, like if you're telling your patient you're not going to walk after surgery the very first day, so you're going to get up a little bit and you're going to stand, or you're going to sit at the bedside, then you're going to stand, and then you're going to get up a little bit and you're going to stand, or you're going to sit at the bedside, then you're going to stand, and then you're going to, like, walk to the sink and then you might walk around the room and then you might walk in the hall. You know, it's just this little bit after a little bit, and as you continue to do the things, even though it hurts, even though it's strenuous, or it may make you cry or it makes you be so tired after all of the things, it's going to get you to a different place and I don't know how many times you can hear or say, if you don't change anything, don't change anything, nothing will change.
Speaker 1:And I just must have been very hardheaded because I almost like I just couldn't take the step. I couldn't do it till I had to. I mean, I was so broken. What is that? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's just like a self-sabotaging kind of an ego driven and ego. I just and just being open to some of the things. But once you do, god, I mean you can feel however you want to feel. Like in a moment, if I'm so pissed, I actually I don't even really get too pissed anymore.
Speaker 2:Like triggers. This is another one of the tools, one of the mental tools to elevate yourself out of consciousness. All emotions eventually fade. They never stay. You will store anger and negativity. You will, if you don't process it. It will, it will, it will stick to you, but the emotions of it, they, they always fade.
Speaker 1:Yeah, always, always fearful to feel what it is, or to name what it is or to feel where it is in your body because it's too painful. When you're doing something that is so damaging to you Like staying in a situation, staying somewhere with someone doing something that you know is damaging to the soul, you feel very out of sorts. You know you might not be able to put your finger on it, but you know and you have to in some ways disassociate from your physical body so that you can continue, like it's a defense mechanism that your mind automatically kind of does to keep because you're, you're making a decision to stay.
Speaker 2:So I think what I hear you saying you know the like the, taking it back to the. You know what did you say Neo, yeah, yeah, yeah, when you push something, you know what did you say neo, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:When you push something, you do it immediate.
Speaker 2:It's immediate, I mean it's like concrete, it's going to work, it's absolute.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, yes, absolutely, it's going to work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I think that is one of the constraints that attaches to our Western mind that we think in such concrete and absolute terms and so much of what we experience is not concrete. In fact, I was thinking about this yesterday as I was contemplating what I would talk about today, and I remembered it's in a different context, but I remembered a YouTube video that I watched.
Speaker 2:It was I'll see if I can find it he was describing consciousness as fluid, and a lot of the terms that we use when we talk about our consciousness, or another way to say it would be our thoughts is that they're in fluid terms, like I drifted off into thought or I drifted off into sleep, these fluid terms, and if you think about, all of our central nervous system is suspended on cerebral spinal fluid, so it is literally swimming, which is just such a fascinating way to think about. Like you know, think about. Why so many things? I guess why it makes sense that absolute terms would be a constriction on consciousness, that it has to be this that can't float, that doesn't float, that sinks, yeah.
Speaker 2:That falls right to the bottom. So when you put those two ideas together, it makes sense that when you think of things in absolute, concrete terms, it holds you down. Yeah, and especially like again connecting it back to our previous pod, where you were talking about how we are wired to remember the negative things. We have been programmed over millennia to look for the threats and it's so difficult to connect to the positive thing. We can't remember the good things that happened to us and so the only things that we remember are the negative things. And that keeps us in this constrained consciousness and, you know, having the fluidity of thought to say, maybe I'm not, maybe my idea that I'm absolutely right is wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's possibility. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's it's possibility. Is it possible? Yeah?
Speaker 2:Is it like, like you know, cause we think we're so right. I, you know, I was so right and couldn't have been more wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you find yourself at the bottom and it's all dark and you can't. You just can't find a way out.
Speaker 1:And you know that.
Speaker 2:That was the other thing that we were talking about in our pregame conference.
Speaker 1:I like that.
Speaker 2:That you know the people that that we're talking to. They aren't necessarily healthy, right? We aren't our audience, like I, I hope that people that are healthy will listen to this, but you don't need us, right? If you're healthy, you don't need us. But if you're a nurse that has experienced suffering and death, and and just that groundhog day, the groundhog day of suffering and death, and and just that groundhog day, the groundhog day of suffering and death, and you're suffering, that's who we're talking to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so how, how does one, how do we tell how to start? I feel like I want to say you have to, you have to love yourself, like you have to figure out that, because it's like loving yourself as you love a child. So it would be, you know, giving, giving to yourself and finding a way to be happy and and have more peace by allowing yourself to do so. It's like, and have more peace by allowing yourself to do so. It's like you have to give yourself permission first, maybe.
Speaker 2:I mean, one of the early steps is kind of for lack of a better term discovering your own equanimity, that you're not all good and you're not all bad. When you can see yourself in that more fluid realm not not so black and white, because that's what shame does is it tells you that you're all.
Speaker 2:You're all bad like you've just, you've, you've just messed everything up. You, you, you, you didn't get your meds on time, or you, you know, whatever it is, whatever, yeah, you didn't, you didn't see the right thing with the doctor yeah, you didn't, you didn't convey.
Speaker 1:Now you don't have the right orders and now you're screwed. Now you have to call them back. You know, you didn't. You know what. Whatever you know or I mean, it could be anything, anything at work and and or home- you know anywhere?
Speaker 2:Yeah, all of it. So, finding the equanimity within yourself, that you're neither all good or all bad that's to me that was a big starting point is seeing myself in a more true light, because if you only again, if you only focus on the negative, it's only going to take you down. And so, shining that light so like I'm in my mind, I'm picturing myself in this very dark place. There's no light, I can't see which direction is up, left, right, nothing has any context. And from there the lights are equanimity of self and then choosing. Because once you get to that place of equanimity of self, and then choosing. And then, because once you get to that place of equanimity of self, then you can push that out. And you push that out, you'd say this person is neither all good or all bad, and from there then you can choose, you can make the choice to view them positively.
Speaker 2:And for me, in my journey, it was. It was, you know, all of the issues that we talked about with Brandy, all of the brokenness of our system. I very easily could have just said, no, I'm not, I'm not going to do that. I chose to I'm not going to do that. I chose to look for the good. What is the good? The good is that I'm a caregiver and our system that we have today is the system that we have, and that not all of the modalities of caring are broken that we still have. Like, our system still has good things that it does for people.
Speaker 2:I witness it almost daily when I'm at work, witness it almost daily when I'm at work, and so by choosing to engage in the form that I have worked out for myself that this is how I can provide the gifting, that I have the tool or the muscle of caregiving. This is the system that we have. So if I withdraw that, then the people are suffering. So choosing to participate in the system in the way that I'm comfortable with doing is opening. You know, it's not concrete, it's opening the door for good. So I would say you know that that was, that was my journey. I guess we're trying to find the, we're trying to provide the solutions for others and and that's not necessarily, um, my, my path isn't everyone's path Um, you don't have to choose to go back into the system if you've separated from it and you don't have to stay in it.
Speaker 1:That's right, and you don't have to. You can, and some people want to, some people want it to be better, but I think shifting your mindset is one of the first things that you have to try and do, and sometimes it feels like you're forcing it, but we have to start creating new habits, because our habits become bitching about the system, bitching about we don't have enough, talking about there isn't enough, there's not enough staff, that doctor's a dick, know, this is bullshit, oh, all of it, you know. But we go and we do the things that we, you know. We just take care of patients. Well, right, and but we've created the dark cloud around it all. But can you make things into something that they're not? Not usually, but it's that's not what you're trying into something that they're?
Speaker 1:not Not usually, but that's not what you're trying to do. What you're trying to do is change your perception and your, which then changes your feelings. So it's like changing the energy around how you feel about a system, whatever that is, whether it's the staffing system, whether it's where, how you get your meds. You know, I mean, every nurse probably has been on a unit that is so toxic and say toxic and it's toxic because it's, it's negative energy, it's, it's it's nurses who are spewing negativity. Toxic slut, yeah, it's so gross. It's so gross and other people, other nurses, who may be negative, or you know, it's just an, it's like. It's like magnet. You know you're either going to go this way with the magnet or you're going to repel the magnet unless you flip the magnet around.
Speaker 1:And you know so it's like turn around Right and you can't change the other people.
Speaker 1:You can't change the system. You're not going to change the doctor. You're not going to change the policies and procedures. You're not changing any of that. The only person, the only thing that you have control over is your view as you and how you're viewing that. So changing your view into a more positive one, because if you want to talk about feelings and more positive is more light Negative is heavy.
Speaker 1:You know the feelings and emotion or energy in motion it attracts, whatever it's emitting, and so the more positive you are, and it can't be fake, like it can't. You know, I don't really like that, like fake it till you make it. It's not that it is something, but that's not really what it is You're. You're practicing. You're practicing being positive. You're practicing trying to engage your mind to match what you're saying. So, like the things about your father you were saying and you could relate that to anything and in any negative environment.
Speaker 1:If you're the positive, if you can't find one single thing, it would be it's showing me what I don't like. It's showing me where I need to grow. He gave birth to me. I am worthy, you know, or the system. It is here to care for people. I am here because my skill, you know. I mean there's like you can. It's similar to kind of gratitude, and gratitude is just maybe an arm off of, is a practice off of being more positive and seeing, finding the positive things rather than focusing on the negative things, because that will change what you are attracting. It just will.
Speaker 2:So this is super interesting because nurses, especially in the emergency room or in the ICU, because we're seeing the absolute worst side of people, right, right, and we've talked about that before.
Speaker 2:So one of the things that I haven't connected it to is art. Is art that there is this idea that I mean it's a well-established idea of mimesis, the mimetic function of art, and what art is is it's a reflection of the society and the reality that surrounds you, the artist. And so what it's saying is what the idea is is that the artist is the mirror to the society that's around them, that they're just handing over the truth of the essence of what that society or culture is. And so if you take that idea and attach it to nurses, that almost, almost like maybe, maybe not, maybe memetic is, is not a perfect fit for this idea. It's some some form of memetic function and and a reflective function. The thing that's taking nurses so far down is that they are reflecting, they are that mirror. So there's a mirror reflection that's happening in that setting where the nurses are taking on, and then, like, I mean, how many memes are there out there for nurses about hating humanity?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:How many? So many, hundreds, thousands, yeah, so I'm not saying any found. It's a fact of the reality that nurses, their experience, turns them on the people that they're there to care for.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so, if you take what I'm trying to hand over, is the idea that this reflective function is the reflective function is turning into a memetic function because the nurses are going down. This is the thing society is degrading or presenting itself in such violent, such base and broken terms to the nurses. It's presenting itself to nurses in that way and then nurses are rejecting that and then they're going down themselves. That's the mimetic function. That's the point that I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:It's a pull, it's a pull, it's a magnetic pull and, yeah, it's reflecting.
Speaker 2:Well, like, the artist is handing over the truth of the culture, yeah. Like the essence, yeah. And so if nurses are engaged in this reflective act and that reflective act takes them down, then that's a mimetic function. And I you know, this is, this is just lots. I don't some scientists out there that really knows what mimesis is. We'll be like he's out to lunch, you know. Whatever, it's just an idea, it's just a thought.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:This is the mental workshop right here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is definitely mental workshop. It is. This is the mental workshop right here. Yeah, it is definitely a mental workshop, yeah, which we thoroughly enjoy. Yeah, the way that nurses feel is reflecting the degradation of healthcare right now, I mean Of society yeah, how it all is going Both sides Right.
Speaker 1:And so something's got to change or there will be no more nurses. There will be no more nurses to to do what, what needs to be done, and a basic thing to try and make your life better in all areas, including nursing the hospital. What you do, wherever you work, what nursing home, whatever it is is to find the positive, find the good in whatever it is, because in doing that you will begin to see good it's. It just is the way that it works. I mean, it's like yeah, yeah. Whether you are like creating a prayer, whether you start by just making a list of positive aspects, whether you're do gratitude, you know, if you want to do, write it down. Five gratitudes, just whatever it is. Whatever comes to your mind that you're grateful for, whatever area you know you're pissy with your husband, write five things down why you love him. If you don't like the nurses that you work with, just write five things down that why you're grateful that you're there. What do you find good about that person? It shifts it. It's just an energetic shift and is one small thing that you can do to try to start to feel better is leaning more towards the light, leaning more towards being a reflection of positive light.
Speaker 1:Is it your responsibility? No, because you're not doing it for anyone else. You're not doing it to put it out there for other people to be like, oh God, she's so positive. No, it's completely selfish. It's for me only so. Whether you get any kind of benefit from it, it doesn't matter. You will get benefit because I'm going to be better, I'm going to be a better nurse, a better person, and I'm going to be happier, and that just it can't not make a difference in the world that you're living in. And so don't think that you're doing it for someone else. You're doing it for you, for you to feel better. And it goes. You know it can have heavy, heavy. It can make a big, big difference.
Speaker 2:Huge and it changes everything. Yes, it can yeah.
Speaker 1:So good, positivity Number one.
Speaker 2:Well, I would. I would put equanimity of self at number one. Yeah, yeah, we did say that If you can get yourself to the point where you see that you're you have both good and negative, then you can begin to focus on the positive and build out the best parts of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and worth that. You are worth that. You are worth it, you know. I mean, we talk about nurses taking their lives and I think the the bottom line of that is that you have no worth. So why are you here? You're not worth. Oh, my life is so terrible. I have too many, there's too much. I can't bear it. The bottom to that is you're not worth changing it to be better. What is the point? What is the point? What is my worth? Why bother doing that? We are all here on purpose, to find purpose to do. We all were drawn to go to nursing school. We've talked about that before.
Speaker 1:You can't just be a nurse, you know. Just decide I'm going to not like go work at Target. It's not like that. Right, it's different, it's too much. You can't stay in the program. You can't get a job as a nurse. You can't work as a nurse unless you are called from somewhere to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so that is a calling from somewhere greater than you. Whatever you believe in, whatever it doesn't matter. We're not talking about religion. We're talking about a higher power, a higher self, a higher god, a higher source that calls you. So you're already worthy, you already have worth and a purpose. You know. So trying to see that, and and how you know? So trying to see that, and how do you? I mean, you've been there.
Speaker 1:I've been very close to wanting to not be here anymore. I never tried, but I have felt the depth of depression, not feeling worthy to be here, depression not feeling worthy to be here. Not whether it was more. Sometimes it would be victimish, like this is bullshit, why I don't even care about anything To other things of like what is the worth, what is my worth? Nothing, it means nothing, I mean nothing. And so just that you are here here, able to feel those feelings, that is worthy, that is worth. And so, if you're there, you already know, by feeling those feelings, you already that is worth. So there is a point. That is the point. I mean how can you take yourself back to that depth? And could someone have told you something like that and it made a difference? Can that make a difference, with us saying that to people?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I had people that said things in subtle ways that, looking back, I can see that they were maybe trying to show me a death, but I don't think that any of them could understand the experience I was having. No, I don't think any of them. You know, trigger warning. We'll just we need to put a trigger warning right here, cause I'm going to say, I'm going to say some hard things.
Speaker 2:You know, the first time that you do, did we did? I say this the first time you do chest compressions, you break the ribs and and you know, every time you compress it, that rib is rubbing on your hand and I mean it's just, it's just awful, um. And then, after you've done that, then you're walking by the family. They don't know who you are, they don't know what you've been doing to their meemaw or papa, or you know, know, baby, you know that's they. They can't know. I mean, they can't, they could never guess what you just did. But there has, I feel like when I walk by the family, they have to like sense it on me. You know, they have to like there's some because, because of the posturing, the way that I present myself to them as as as a consolation. You know, I'm sorry, I'm communicating that with my body. You know, those experiences, the, the, the weight of the weight of that's what I'm describing. There is the weight of information. I'm holding, information about what just happened to your loved one and I'm not telling you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's a heavy weight, or the weight of knowledge of a diagnosis. The patient is going to die and they aren't ready for it. Yeah, and I have to carry that into the room. And I mean, I know that, they know that, I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, or you know that first time that you have a hemonymal thorax and on somebody that has an INR of you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:A gazillion, yeah, and you punch through and you know you punch through cavity wall and you get sprayed from head to toe with blood. No one, no, no one in my life, no one in my life could ever know that that's what I was carrying. So I don't think that anyone could have. I don't think anyone that didn't have this think that anyone could have. I don't think anyone that didn't have this have the same severity of experience that I had could talk to me, and that's part of why I'm willing to sit here and and have this conversation. You know, not only we are, we are healing ourselves by having this conversation, but you know, I can imagine there's someone else in that same position that has no one in their life that could possibly understand what they're going through.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Did you ever reach out to other nurses?
Speaker 2:No, I didn't even think about it. It didn't occur to me that that's what was that. That was until until I hit absolute rock bottom. There was, there was nothing there there was. I had no idea. I mean, I know that I avoided people. I know that if I saw somebody that needed you know you're walking through the grocery store and you see somebody that's sick, you just avoid them. You know, I didn't want, I didn't. You know, I was just carrying a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we all are, and.
Speaker 1:I mean, you know it just occurred. You can't avoid those situations Like you can't. We are not going to be able to keep people from feeling suicidal. We by by anything that we say, because sometimes that is where you have to go, that is what you have to do. It feels like we, for for me, I want to save them.
Speaker 2:that's the nurse yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, that's our job it is and and but.
Speaker 1:sometimes that is where you have to get emotionally to realize, because you're not hearing it. Until you get there you know we lost a friend, a mutual friend, and I don't know. Well, I do know Neither one of us could save her. One of us could save her. So, knowing other nurses, as a nurse, who are so down it, I want them to.
Speaker 2:I want to give them my entire toolbox. I mean that's what we're doing. We can't, like we've talked about this, you know, before we started it. We can't save anybody, we can just hand over our experience and the tools that we've acquired. I mean that's it, that's all we can do. Yeah, they have to choose it for themselves and that's I mean.
Speaker 2:You know, when I think about our friend and I hope that we get permission to talk about her story at some point, because it I mean that was one of the driving pieces of the conversation for us to do this it was talking about her. You know, one of the one of the two similarities between my journey and her journey what two similarities? One was Adderall. We were both prescribed Adderall and we had nervous system problems. We didn't have attention problems, we had dysregulated nervous systems.
Speaker 2:The second thing was severe isolation, and I know her progression because I did stay in touch with her, I did talk to her with. It was I can't say that it was really regular. She was irregular, um and and would not always pick up when I called Um. So she would actually she would have been the one that I reached out to the most and I think that, partly intuitively. I knew that she was not in a good place and I w I knew that I was not in a good place, but we never really talked about that. We talked about the farm and peacocks and she had pet peacocks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you know the isolation.
Speaker 2:The isolation. She got isolated there. Yeah, and you did. You, did you really?
Speaker 1:did, isolated there. Yeah, yeah, and you did, you did.
Speaker 2:You really did. But that takes me back to the mimetic and reflective piece that I don't want to. I don't want, I can't receive any more. Yeah, I can't receive any more. Yeah, I can't take on any more.
Speaker 1:Well, and that's how I felt with COVID, I mean, that was kind of my, that was my downfall was around that time and with everything that was going on with with that, I isolated and yeah, you know shelter in place and you know, get your what. What did we call each other? We called it we like your pod or your you know your small group. You know that you were with. You know family, whoever that was. Already it was isolated, I don't remember what it was.
Speaker 2:I didn't have that. I was all by myself. Right, you were already alone, yeah.
Speaker 1:But it was very isolating and I think that's why that's what set, you know, if you I mean if you think of nurse you know nurses like this who are barely hanging on the COVID just like everybody drops, because that's all it took was the isolation, the isolation from everything. And now everything that I had dealt with up until that point was now it felt so heavy, and it wasn't just COVID, it was the whole buildup and then the isolation of COVID and having to deal with everything just basically by myself or within that small cluster, and even the healthcare system that I worked in. You were isolated, like we didn't go to meetings anymore, we stayed in our office, you didn't get close to anybody anymore, you had to stay back, you had to stay filtered, you had to stay behind, and it was very isolating. I was very isolated even within my own home.
Speaker 1:I would come home and literally turn on the news to watch what in the hell was going on, Like what is this about? What are people saying? What you know? Now you look at it, it's like that's crazy, but it wasn't. That's what I had to know and it, you know, kind of very similar to you. You just it becomes so narrow and you're just in this small line and that can it just breaks you and I just was like it. Just you can die from isolation.
Speaker 2:I think she did, I almost did.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't know. It's hard to whatever, and I don't. I've tried to think about like what, what got you out of that? What, what brought you back? It was a crisis.
Speaker 2:I mean it was hitting absolute rock bottom. That is the gift of rock bottom. You know I don't. I wish I, you know, I asked for help. I didn't ask healthcare work coworkers or former friends, but I did ask for help and but I just think nobody really understood what it was that I was dealing with.
Speaker 2:Nor could they really they couldn't, and you know I was. You know that's like one of the one of the things that you know I, because I left the hospital and and I was doing the woodworking and there was an element of I'm doing something productive, I'm. You know the woodworking thing. It was cathartic because on the one, you know it was it's when I say that the two are very intimately connected. On the one hand, in the hospital, I have a patient that's laying, laying on the bed and I'm standing there, you know, working on my hands on this person that's trying to die. On the other side, in the woodshop, I've got the same setup. I've got a bench that is like a bed, the work is laying in front of me. And I know about my own psychology from one of my experiences. I was, you know okay, this is a harsh way of saying it for anybody, that's non-medical, but for an ICU nurse, I was gardening that day.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I had a pair of trached and pegged patients that were non-communicative and I was. I was yeah, Well, they're like feeder growers, I mean you just feed them and they're there.
Speaker 1:You just wait for them to kind of get better and that's just really all there is to it, yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I mean those, those two, I don't, they weren't getting better, they were just. Well, we're waiting to die, not?
Speaker 1:I don't. They weren't getting better, they were just waiting to die. Not, yeah, yeah, yeah. The hope is, but the the reality is they're not.
Speaker 2:They're just waiting to get over their their immediate infection, but they're not getting better. And so I can remember one very poignant day where it was just like it was so clear, clear, like I need to do something creative. And so when I found woodworking, um it was. It was going from holding on to something that's trying to go away to building something and being able to see it and touch it. And you know, it was very cathartic in that way, and so it became something I I guess I obsessed over, or I was just. You know it was very cathartic in that way, and so it became something I guess I obsessed over, or I was just. You know it. It I, I transferred my passion and purpose into that and the idea of becoming the best craftsman that I possibly could, and that was, that was all that mattered, and I isolated myself so severely in that process. That and it was.
Speaker 2:It was really like I would say it was. It was a cycle of inspiration and despair. I would go from being so inspired and having this very clear vision of what I was supposed to do and I would do it. But as soon as that was completed and finished and I'm sitting there with this beautiful thing that I just made. I would just cry and I was in complete despair and then I would find myself in bars and you know, getting ridiculously drunk and you know it was just such a cycle that you know some of the most beautiful work that I've done came out of that period. It's like what the hell is that? What is that? It's emotion, it's emotion. It's like what the hell is that what?
Speaker 1:is that it's emotion. It's emotion, it's energy. I mean I think that you know you saying that in my mind saw like the soul is crying out, and so those inspirational times, it's like it's trying, it's like a, it's like the Lotus flower. I mean, there's so much um, you know around I don't know what the word is, but like a lotus flower grows out of mud and it grows out of out of the worst environment, but it it blooms and comes out of that and it's always there. So, no matter how much mud, no matter how much mess, no matter how much despair, how much doom, how much isolation we put ourselves in, there is always a lotus flower down there.
Speaker 1:Or you could say there is always a light in there. It is, it is always in there. Again, going back to our worth we are divine, we are here for something. It is always, always there, here for something. It is always, always there. And it's not always easy to see that, the way someone else sees that in you. But just to continue and to allow that process to happen, to allow what is becoming, to allow which you did allowed that to to work itself out.
Speaker 1:You know, I allowed myself to go through the things that I had to go through and release things, and sometimes you do have to just get away, you know it. Then every person's going to be different. You know some I had to just get away. I had to get away from working in that kind of environment in order to heal myself. Yeah, could I go back to working in that environment? I probably could if I needed to. Um, because I am so different. But I find enjoyment in what I am doing now and it's much more refreshing to me that I and that I don't have to go back into an environment that was so toxic for me. You know, and every single person is going to be different and what they can tolerate. It's going to be different. You know it's, it's thinking about you know your mindset and where are you? Where are you in how you're thinking about the world and your place in it?
Speaker 2:So that actually takes me back to the circumstances of when I left the hospital.
Speaker 2:The doctor abandoned me, the patient died, but that it's being I mean, I think you were the one that told me that was being used as a case study for what the nurse is supposed to do when it, when a doctor abandons you at that hospital, which is like that's what I was thinking about the, the idea, like I'm handing over this tool of finding, choosing to find something positive in the situation, whatever situation you find yourself in, to choose to find the positive thing and connect yourself to the positive thing.
Speaker 2:If I had focused on the fact that you were there, that all of the other nurses that were on that night just happened to be the absolute best, the very top clinicians in our unit, if it had been like, if I could have focused on the fact that you know you all really are the ones that saved my butt, I mean there's no way that I could have done that without you. And so what I connected myself to was the fact that there was no way that I could have done that without you and that if it had been any other night, it could have been an entirely different team.
Speaker 2:And that team I know would not have been able to help me in the way that you guys helped me, and so that was what I connected myself to and that was the thing that took me down. If I would have connected myself to the fact that you and all these other amazing clinicians were on that night and we there was like, if that, if that guy was going to survive, he like we, we had the team, team to to make it happen yeah, and we couldn't, and but if I would have attached myself to that my out, my personal outcome would have been different. Yeah, that death. So I internalized that so deeply and I analyzed it from only the negative place, because it was a tremendously negative situation there's no question about that.
Speaker 2:But if I could have connected to the positive, it could have changed the course of my life and then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here today doing this work. I mean, there's no there really, it happened. At the end of the day, you have to accept that it happened the way that it happened and and move forward. But but that's the tool is connecting to the positive, choosing to connect to the positive in others, in situations. That's the way out of the darkness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, caleb and I's toolboxes are huge and we only talked really about one tool today, which I think is a big one. We could talk literally for like 10 more hours, but we're trying to keep the podcast set about an hour, cause we know that longer is, you know sometimes harder to pay attention and that. So today it's focusing on the positive. Go back and listen again. Write some things down.
Speaker 2:I mean we had it over more than one, I think.
Speaker 2:So equitability of self being able to view yourself as a composite being, that you're made up of more than just one or two things, that you're both positive and you have positive attributes, you have negative attributes, you're good and you're bad. You're both and always fluctuating in some gradient of those two. What else? Some gradient of those two? What else Writing very specific prayers or statements of affirmation about perhaps someone or some situation that you're in, writing a very specific prayer about the positive attributes of that person or situation that are good, and choosing to connect to the positive in the situation, not the negative. What else? I have my little list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, gratitude, and then also feeling, learning to understand your worth and how worth you are and divine.
Speaker 2:Emotions eventually all pass. Another thing was to treat them as like waves, that you don't just stand there and let the wave hit you. It will take you down that you're. If your emotions rise up in you, you can dive under them and avoid the negative effects of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So we can put that list together and we'll keep working on the list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, for sure, and I think you know we'll try to, with each podcast, throw it, you know, throw some out, end it a little way of like just some actionable steps that you can take, you know, to start making a difference, you know, in your life and with whatever you're dealing with, really, yeah, so do we have any little? Educational tidbits we want to talk about today.
Speaker 2:Ooh, I'm dying to get into into fecal transplants.
Speaker 1:I just, I just want to talk into fecal transplants.
Speaker 2:I just want to talk about fecal transplants. Yeah, I've got a whole world to take you into. I've been meditating and thinking about this for years, years, years and years and years. Some incredible stuff. I think it's a whole podcast, though I don't think it's. There's a lot of research that's coming out that says that our microbiome is has a higher function in regulating emotions than our brains. I actually believe that. Yeah, how it connects to PTSD, the mining.
Speaker 1:I mean I've got, I've been talking about, just with C diff.
Speaker 2:So all of the ideas, all of my ideas about the microbiome and its impact on humanity come from watching people go from truly being on their deathbed to giving them that transplant and the next day showing up and seeing. You know, you know these people that when they're, when their nutrients aren't being absorbed in their guts you know, we've seen it there their sockets sink in their face and they just look like skeletons and they look like death. And you give them that fecal transplant and they're back Like they. They look, their health, their, their face restores and they look alive again and they get up and they go home. That's like that's a miracle. It is a miracle.
Speaker 2:Well, there's so much to it.
Speaker 1:So you're right, I mean, and you could take that a lot of ways with emotion and mental symptoms uh huh, I've got a whole bunch of stuff that I've been processing yeah, we'll have to do that yeah along with the vibrational bed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you mean?
Speaker 1:For frequencies Another very interesting idea.
Speaker 2:Yes, I was thinking you were talking about the Hill Rom percussion module Modules.
Speaker 1:Yeah, modules, that's funny. Yeah, no, there's so many things, things to talk about, so well, we should probably end this one yeah we can start another one yeah all right, cool, see you next time.
Speaker 2:See ya we hope you've enjoyed this week's episode remember, the conversation doesn't end here keep the dialogue going by connecting with us on social media posted in the links below or by visiting our website.
Speaker 1:Together, let's continue to redefine nursing and shape a brighter future for those we care for. Until next time, take care, stay curious and keep nurturing those connections.
Speaker 2:And don't forget to be kind to yourself.