Nursing U's Podcast
Nursing U is a podcast co-hosted by Julie and Caleb. We embark on an educational journey to redefine nursing within the modern healthcare landscape.
Our mission is to foster an open and collaborative environment where learning knows no bounds, and every topic—no matter how taboo—is explored with depth and sincerity. We delve into the essence of nursing, examining the intimate and often complex relationships between nurses and their patients amidst suffering and death.
Through our discussions, we aim to highlight the psychological impacts of nursing and caregiving, not only on the caregivers themselves but also on the healthcare system at large.
Our goal is to spark conversations that pave the way for healing and innovation in healthcare, ensuring the well-being of future generations.
'Nursing U' serves as a platform for examining the state of modern civilization through the lens of nursing, tackling issues that range from violence, drugs, and sex to family, compassion and love. We will utilize philosophy, religion and science to provide context and deeper understanding to the topics we tackle.
By seamlessly weaving humor with seriousness, we create a unique tapestry of learning, drawing wisdom from the experiences of elders and the unique challenges faced in nursing today.
Join us at 'Nursing U,' where we cultivate a community eager to explore the transformative power of nursing, education, and conversation in shaping a more whole and healthier world."
Disclaimer:
The hosts of 'Nursing U', Julie Reif and Caleb Schraeder are registered nurses; however, the content provided in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered medical advice nor should it be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or health concerns. The views expressed on this podcast are personal opinions and do not represent the views of our employers or our professional licensing bodies.
Nursing U's Podcast
Ep #012 - Embracing Change: Transformative Healing and Self-Discovery in Nursing
Reflecting on the changing seasons, we invite you on a journey that parallels nature’s transitions with the deeply introspective role of caregiving. Julie and Caleb guide you through a conversation that bridges the vibrant outward energy of summer with the inward reflection of fall, as they explore the profound search for meaning in life. They ponder the fascinating interplay between our internal landscapes and cosmic mysteries like astrology and dark matter, encouraging you to find significance in your own life transitions.
Join us as we share a poignant story of personal transformation, sparked by a surprising realization during the COVID pandemic. Discover how stepping away from a high-pressure hospital environment led to healing from within, transforming both physical appearance and mental health. This narrative underscores the powerful connection between our internal changes and how we present ourselves to the world, reminding us that true transformation often begins with self-discovery and introspection.
Our discussion also delves into the importance of intentional living and self-awareness, inspired by insights from Eckhart Tolle. We explore the subtle shifts in our dietary habits and the profound impact of self-observation on personal growth and intimate relationships. Alongside shared experiences about transitioning from night to day shifts, we emphasize the necessity of self-care and kindness, highlighting the enduring wisdom of being kind to oneself. This episode offers a heartfelt invitation to embrace change with compassion and mindfulness as paths to healing and understanding.
I'm loving. I've got my sweater. I love the sweater weather, oh yeah yeah. And my football shirt. I love this season, Seasons of life. This is one of my favorites.
Speaker 2:Same.
Speaker 1:Hi, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2:And I'm Caleb. Welcome to Nursing U, the podcast where we redefine nursing in today's healthcare landscape. Join Julie and I as we step outside the box on an unconventional healing journey.
Speaker 1:Together, we're diving deep into the heart of nursing, exploring the intricate relationships between caregivers and patients with sincerity and depth.
Speaker 2:Our mission is to create an open and collaborative experience where learning is expansive and fun.
Speaker 1:From the psychological impacts of nursing to the larger implications on the healthcare system. We're sparking conversations that lead to healing and innovation.
Speaker 2:We have serious experience and we won't pull our punches. But we'll also weave in some humor along the way, because we all know laughter is often the best medicine.
Speaker 1:It is, and we won't shy away from any topic, taboo or not, from violence and drugs to family and love, we're tackling it all.
Speaker 2:Our nursing knowledge is our base, but we will be bringing insights from philosophy, religion, science and art to deepen our understanding of the human experience.
Speaker 1:So, whether you're a nurse, a healthcare professional or just someone curious about the world of caregiving, this podcast is for you.
Speaker 2:One last thing, a quick disclaimer before we dive in. While we're both registered nurses, nothing we discuss here should be taken as medical advice. Always consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider for any medical concerns you may have. The views expressed here are our own and don't necessarily reflect those of our employers or licensing bodies.
Speaker 1:So let's get started on this journey together. Welcome to Nursing U, where every conversation leads to a healthier world.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's connected to kind of the introspective nature of caregiving, like the giving, like the outward expression of giving care all the time, like pushes us inside, like like? I don't know, I think summer was always my favorite season as a child because I got to go outside and do things and it was. There was just so much freedom and as I've gotten to be an adult, fall like where I get to go inside and no one can. No one can complain that I'm hiding in my you know domicile or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah we drink. We drink pumpkin spice coffee, and but I also feel like it's a very transitional season, so you got the heat of the summer and then the bitterness of the winter. I love summer because I've always loved having my kids off during summer, and so I think that. But now they they're not little anymore and they don't. Some of them don't even let it home, so it's a little bit different. But when you work full time, like summer really isn't summer, it's the same.
Speaker 2:Right, it's the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But there's something about fall and and it is a transition into the hibernation. And you know, the more I learn I'm not really studying per se astrology, but the more you think about just the transitions of the planets and the moon and some of the outer, the higher um thought of how things make the world go around. It talks about the seasons and and how purposeful they are and that we get away from that. You know, we think fall is fall y'all and pumpkin, spice, coffee and halloween. You know. But if you, if we kind of went back to what it means to transition from the summer into the hibernation of the winter and if we would abide to that more like deeply, maybe it would have different effects or it might be more relevant or we would be able to explain it more. But I feel like there's something. There's something about that.
Speaker 2:And I think too, as you age. Yeah, I mean, you said like one of the key words for me, which is meaning. What does it? What does it mean to transition from this to that? And meaning is some. You know, I've I've read a lot about it on my healing journey, and I think that's that's part of why I'm so fascinated with the enlightenment period and understanding how science came to be what it is today. Because, at the end of the day, the, the, the scientific method is, is really. It is just that it's a method for discovering the truth of our material world, and and so what that has created is, you know, almost. I mean, in a lot of ways and I think this is part of what we're talking about in this podcast is kind of the viewing the body as a biological machine. It's mechanistic. So much of the interventions that we do are mechanistic interventions, and what it cultivates is this cultural sense of I'm just a cog in this wheel.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It doesn't effing mean anything. And so when I look at the kind of phenomenon of that deep yearning for meaning, for meaning, and I see the, so I see the deep meaning for deep yearning for meaning, and then I see this phenomenon of so many people reaching out to the stars Like they're just they're, they're hungry for something to mean something. And I'm definitely not saying that there's nothing to the stars or the planets or any of that thing. I mean it. You know I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about this that you know our planets are out there and you know we know through, uh, quantum physics, quantum physics, that dark matter has space. And I remember one night I was standing out looking up at the stars. I was working in the middle of the night in my wood shop and looking up there and I'm looking at these stars and I'm going all that darkness has mass and science says that we're spinning in that mass. And if you've ever heard your brakes go out and you hear that spinning and it's wow, you know it makes terrible noise.
Speaker 2:So I was kind of connecting that idea to these spinning orbs. You know these giant planets spinning around in the sky and that they're spinning in mass and that it's really all the way around circumferential in every direction. It's omnidirectional. There's omnidirectional vibrational frequency that's happening with these planets spinning in dark matter. So all these vibrations are coming off these planets and this planet's over here and this planet's over here, and that omnidirectional emission of frequency like just obviously causes those frequencies to interlace.
Speaker 2:And then you have all these dynamic planets in all these different directions and they are all interlacing, creating a very unique vibrational pattern. That you know it just makes that just. You know we. You know it just makes. That just makes sense to me. And and so the when a baby's born, it never made sense to me that why isn't it at conception that the baby is having its astrology thing happening? And it hit me that the womb is protective, so the, the child is incubating in there and and the mother's frequency is protecting the child when the child comes out, that whatever the planets are out there doing is imprinting on the child and creating a unique vibrational pattern for that child's life, and none are the same, so literally the song of the universe is imprinted on that child I mean this, this is I mean.
Speaker 1:I can't prove any of this, it's just yeah it's just what you're saying is it gives things meaning which you know, at the stage where we're at, it feels like it's necessary well, I would.
Speaker 2:I would say. The ultimate conclusion of that thought is that it's no different than the mechanistic function that we're performing down here. These planets are. Those planets didn't invent themselves. There has to be something beyond that. The stars can't be it.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:There has to be it. You know what I mean Like there has to be more. And and I you know, you know I've read a lot about it from a religious perspective and you know I think that I think that that is really the root, like it's. I think there's a, there's a an element of it that is attached to the idea that if I understand what's happening out there, then I can manipulate my world down here, which is really. I study how we are where we are and the lack of meaning that, with the lack of meaning, has also brought in a lack of wonder, because it doesn't mean anything. I have to search for the meaning, which necessarily shifts how you think about everything, because there is a discovery process, but I think, because you're trying to take control, you lose the ability to be open to the mystery of life, which is exciting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's like Right, yeah, feeling the need to control everything you cannot have, then you cannot enjoy how life is going to unfold for you, because you are always trying to do it. And I think that's where a lot of us get stuck and kind of what we're going to talk about today, which is being open to the process of life and finding the meaning through wonder, through opening your eyes, through changing your perceptions about what you are looking at. You're not looking at anything different, you're looking at it differently. You know it really is a lot about meaning. It's putting you get to the point some point along your life that and we both have talked about this where nothing means anything. And I think, as you're saying that and I'm thinking back, it's because you're trying to. I was trying to control everything.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:And when you're controlling, I mean it's the ego.
Speaker 2:When everything is falling apart all the time. All the time, all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you're either living in the past and bringing things up from that, or trying to predict and manage and control what's going to happen in the future. And it, our stories and situations have brought us to the to, to a point where we can be in the, the now, right now. And when you're in the now, you let go of the future and the past, and so the only thing you can do is see the meaning of what is now, what is right now, and I kind of was. We were thinking about what we were going to talk about, and I put out a Facebook post. Well, I was looking through pictures of myself just pictures and I came across this one of me standing kind of at a side angle I think it was 2021.
Speaker 1:So it was the height of second second storm COVID and I was like completely blown away at the way that I looked, and not just in a like oh God, you're so fat way, it was God it was. I'm so different now and I have not been on a weight loss journey. That has not been my journey. I always wanted to lose weight. I always hated the way I looked. I always thought that I was way fatter than I probably was and did not enjoy looking at myself. And when I saw this picture I didn't really think that. I thought, oh, you are so different.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You are so different. And so I found a current picture of me and I did the whole side by side and in my. It was dramatic my skin, the, my face, the way that my head, my face, the way that my head, my eyes, the color, the whiteness of my eyes. I mean, a nurse would know a cortisol phase from being on steroids when she saw it. That was me, that was me with massive, massive amounts of cortisol when she saw it.
Speaker 1:That was me. That was me. Yeah, Massive, massive amounts of cortisol Sure Blowing through my vein.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And depression, anxiety, gripping, crying so hard. I had already been the manager and and from what I would have said then, failed. But I now know that's not what happened. But I went back to the ICU, so I was working in the ICU night shift with COVID and so I thought I'll use that at some point. So I just it was in my photos. I thought that something will come across Like that's very dramatic. So you know, I had thoughts about it. And then I was looking through some schoolwork that I was doing I'm in my master's degree for integrative health and wellness and this was looking at the qualities of what makes a practitioner a mindful practitioner and high qualities and what are your lower qualities, and writing about that. And so I had written about it before. So I looked it up, or when I was reading it and I thought, oh my God, this is perfect, this writing about that. And so I had written about it before. So I looked it up, or when I was reading it and I thought, oh my God, this is perfect, this writing is perfect for that photo and I'm ready now to put it out there. Uh, so I put it on Facebook and it the writing. I wrote it back in like January of this year. So this has been like six or seven, eight months.
Speaker 1:It was kind of a story from behind. What people saw as a story. It was like a behind the scenes for me, which was I had massive depression, massive anxiety, massive stress. Nothing was good. I remember telling someone at one point all I care about is food. The only thing that makes me happy is food is to stop a quick trip in the morning and get, or even on the way to work and get a cinnamon roll, specifically, and a Coke and possibly a hot dog maybe. But it was like everything else was like cement. My world was like cement and I was changed it and upped it. I was on more blood pressure medicine. My thyroid I couldn't regulate. I had been on thyroid medicine from being a nurse and cortisol you know all that for 15 years probably. And you know, ooh, all of a sudden I can't manage it and I can't manage my blood pressure and so it just put me on more blood pressure medicine. My triglycerides were through the roof. I was a mess.
Speaker 2:I was a literal mess.
Speaker 1:But you know, you maintain this sense of control. And it wasn't like I was trying to paint a good picture because, honestly, I didn't really give a shit, I didn't really care what people thought about me.
Speaker 1:Well, that went through I did, because I did maintain a what I called my professional. You know, when I was at work I did not complain, I got it done. I was not going to be that one. I had lots of other younger nurses who were working under me who I felt needed me. That was probably in my own brain needed me to be the strong one, because if I failed and if I couldn't do it, who literally could do it? That's how I felt, and so, anyways I how I felt, and so, anyways I we kind of know my story a little bit I left the bedside and did insurance, which that also killed me for a year, and then I finally left. I finally left the hospital and really started healing myself, and it has been through that that it was.
Speaker 1:It was not like, oh, I got to go on. You know, jenny Craig, that's what I felt like I needed to do. But you know, it wasn't Jenny Craig, it wasn't Weight Watchers, it wasn't any. It was not a diet that I went on, it was a healing journey that I went on and through that I look completely different. I, obviously I've lost weight, um, but it's not because I was on any diet. I, I, I walk sometimes, but I don't. I'm not a gym rat by any means. So it was very eyeopening to me that and solidified my idea and my thoughts that when you change who you are on the inside, your outside appearance changes and the way that you look at things.
Speaker 1:So old me looked at that picture and said all the things you know, god damn, you know you are fat and wow, that waist. You know those mean things Like literally get it together. Girl, I got to go on a diet. You know diet. I got to start Monday. I'm doing it. I'm doing all. That's my life. That was my life. I never could lose weight. Isn't that interesting?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but could never lose weight. And now I look at that, I look at her in that picture and I just think poor.
Speaker 2:Thing.
Speaker 1:Poor. Thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You just did not know and you were so hard on yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I mean dead, yeah, dead inside, yep, and I just it the life and the light that you allow in. When you start allowing that in it, it pushes out that darkness and it comes out Like it literally comes out of your skin and this meat, meat sack is what I call it it changes and I think other people started to notice.
Speaker 1:first, you know, my husband was like no, you know he's always giving me compliments, but it it was for real and I didn't. I didn't really notice until I really put those two together that something is different. Something is very different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I mean you had to change some of your dietary practices.
Speaker 1:You didn't keep eating the cinnamon roll and the blueberry muffin and the Coke and the hot dog for breakfast roll and the blueberry muffin and the Coke and the hot dog for breakfast. So in thinking about that because what so?
Speaker 2:yes, I, I, I was just thinking you stopped working bedside, so did you stop? I mean, you don't stop going to the gas station cause you got a car, but you're not doing it every day and it's not a routine. You got out of your routine.
Speaker 1:I did get out of that routine. So, right, I don't commute, but you know, I mean I still drive to work. It has been a shift in. Well, I just don't really want those things anymore and that wasn't a choice really. I didn't say, I didn't have to tell myself we don't want that. I just don't have to tell myself we don't want that. I just don't. And I I feel like it's a, it's my job to take care of and what I put into my body I think a lot of it is intention of like I'm not dieting, but.
Speaker 1:I'm fueling my body differently, but like I had red bear and pizza last night for supper, but all I, all I, I just ate it. You know how it's round and you cut it in four. I just had one and I was full and whatever is different here is okay with that, because I'm okay, like I know that I'm okay. I don't feel the need to hold on to what food gave me because I get that already. So I have that. I moved from requiring that from external sources to getting that from within me and it's hard to explain, honestly, you know, the little things that I've done, because it's not just like you decide and then one day and then and you make a big change and then here it is. It really hasn't been that way. The path has been more small, little incremental yeah, and and practicing.
Speaker 1:I've done so much practicing, noticing my triggers. A lot with my husband it was was that's a you know, when you, when you have that soul relationship, that's where you're going to find the most triggers. Sure, in being able to be calm and in a position to where I'm not, like, stressed to the max, I have the time and energy to notice, and it's in noticing. I don't know how I could say that.
Speaker 2:I don't know. It kind of reminds me, because there's an observational element to that, what you're talking about, that you're observing yourself.
Speaker 2:I think we talked about that quote by oh what's his name? Eckhart Tolle. We talked about that. On becoming like it was, he couldn't live with himself anymore, which meant there's two of him. The implications of I can't live with myself means that there's some differentiation between I and myself and so, like the thing that I'm connecting this to, we've talked a lot about kind of the almost out of body experience of when someone's dying and we're working to save them and we're having that nonverbal communication and we're you know, it's just, it's automatic for us. You know, once you've been in the situation enough times and you know, once you have enough experience managing those critical situations, you just perform and there's, it's very, it's just, it just perform and it just happens. What I hear you talking about with practicing, observing yourself and your triggers, it's like the same muscle, but with intention. It's so much harder to see yourself objectively and from that upper realm of looking at yourself, but it's the same skill.
Speaker 1:It is very interesting that you say that, because when you're at the bedside, you're always noticing, you're always noticing, never not looking. Never not looking. That's the mantra.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I think I didn't even, and you don't. I didn't never set out to be like, so now I'm going to do that to my, but it's taking that, what we do with others and at the bedside and that, but taking it and and doing that to yourself. So start noticing. It's interesting that you said Eckhart Tolle because I'm reading the book called them the power of now, or something like that.
Speaker 1:But, so he does talk about the two, the two people. And he said in your head, say something, say the word beautiful in your mind, like, say it. So then, like, who said it? Who heard it? Because you didn't say it, your mouth didn't say it, you didn't say it and you didn't so you can hear it because you didn't say it, but but you heard it and someone said it. So that clicked with me. And he also talks about a pain body, our pain body. That is what has absorbed all of our pain, and a lot of where we go through life is with the pain body in front rather than are who we truly are up front, and because it feels easier and safer, because they are saving our lives. You know, and it's because of fear of letting that go and really stepping into who you are that we don't. So our ego and the pain body says you are way safer with me in charge, you are way safer safer with me in charge.
Speaker 1:You are way safer if you just quiet in the back seat. And let me manage all this because I know how to save your life, lady. And we're saying but I'm not having any fun. I don't find any meaning in any of this, but I'm saving your life. I hear you saying that, but it's not fun anymore. It doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 2:It's no longer helping. Maybe that part of the brain has the function to self-preserve We've talked about this before has the function to self-preserve, but then, if that I mean it's just like we've talked about this before the tendency to only remember the negative experiences, and that really the work that we're talking about doing is taking our mind space under control and choosing to see the positive and remember positive things, and it's I mean I think we talked about this in one of the recent episodes just the idea of if you only see the negative in a situation and that's what you connect to, it's only going to bring negative things, and so choosing to search and look for the positive in others, yourself, in situations, allows you to make positive connections, which transformed your life.
Speaker 1:Totally, totally.
Speaker 2:Completely transformed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's almost. It's not hard really. Oh, it's not hard really.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's been hard for me.
Speaker 1:I mean it's been.
Speaker 2:I mean it's the same incremental journey that you've been describing.
Speaker 1:I guess I mean it's hard in a way that like it's not restrictive, like a low calorie diet, or I'm not in the gym for eight hours trying to transform my body. So I guess, physically, it can be very mentally challenging.
Speaker 2:I would say it's taken me years to get to where I am today, where I would say my scales are tipped towards the positive, tipped towards the positive Even with people that are really challenging in my life. I find it easier every year to connect to the positive. I mean, there are, you know, and it's still not. It's not perfect, but but, by goodness, compared to where I was 10 years ago, wow, I mean, I am a different person. My life has radically transformed.
Speaker 1:So what are some of the little things that you, the little you know, the incremental things that you do, that you practice, that are habits. You're changing the things that you do on the regular that are different from then to now.
Speaker 2:I found my spiritual path. That was key. I found, you know, when I went through Warriors Ascent. I look back at that moment. You know it was a week-long retreat and if I don't go through that, I don't think that I'm here doing. I just don't think that it's possible for me to be here doing what I'm doing because you know the it was just like so many light bulbs came on in that experience.
Speaker 2:You know the food piece. I had terrible food habits once. They just I mean not the same as yours, but not any better. Better. I was on adderall for so many years and and coming off of that, you know, my metabolism slowed way down. So I put on a lot of weight, and weight that I've never had before and I still carry some of that away around. I've lost probably 20 pounds over the last few years just by.
Speaker 2:You know I've taught myself how to cook. I'm very proud of that. It's one I mean it's kind of funny, but it's one of the things I'm super proud of myself for I didn't know how to cook anything. I was completely dependent on, on eating out and fast food and just I I like good, but I just didn't know how to do it. So you know, changing my diet.
Speaker 2:You know they because in Warrior Descent they they brought in nutritionists and explained how eating a heavy carb diet triggers your PTSD. It keeps you in that rut, and and when I say rut I mean they they had pictures, mri scans of the brain where you can see the, the, the, wherever it is in the brain that your PTSD memory, your post where your, where your traumatic event is stored in the brain. They showed the images of how that biochemical cycle was constantly running in that space and eroding the gray matter of your brain and they connected it to the diet. And when I saw that, all of that information that they handed over to me, it was just like.
Speaker 2:Like I said before, it was just like how did I not see this? I'm such an idiot. How could I not see? All the signs are right there. How did I like what is happening? There were so many, it was just so many years of suffering and then all the knowledge that I acquired in college came and just slapped me in the face and woke me up. So, changing diet, exercising although you know, nursing just doesn't accommodate an exercising lifestyle. Nursing just doesn't accommodate an exercising lifestyle. You have to be a gym rat. That has to be your only thing. That's not a healthy life. It's not balanced. It's certainly not balanced.
Speaker 1:Well, no, because you've got 12 hours. They're 12 grueling hours, if it's even 12.
Speaker 1:A lot of times it's 13 and a half you know, by the time, yeah, by the time you get out of there and you chart and then you know if you have any kind of commute if you work nights. The only time I was able to exercise around the 12 hour shifts was before I had kids. I think I was 22 and I would ride my bike when I got off work in the morning and then probably go to jazzercise before I went in. I don't know the more the longer you're a nurse. It it's so draining and especially if you work night shift, you get off and you think in your mind that you're going to be able to do all this stuff. No, you can't. And then you're so disappointed. I was always so disappointed in myself. I would only let myself sleep three hours so well until I was in my 40s, but I would sleep from like 9 to noon.
Speaker 1:And then I would get up, go get my kids because I felt terrible. I didn't have them in daycare, my family kept them, but I felt terrible for sleeping while someone else was watching my kids. So I would like make myself, get up after three hours and then and then go get them and then hopefully be off. Now, if I had to work all day I did prepare for that. I know a lot of nurses do not and they try to manage their kids while trying to sleep for a full night in the daytime and then come back and work I would be able to sleep till all day Because I would make my husband go get them or something. So the in-between, but regardless, if you're up all night doing nursing, you are dead for like one day and two days.
Speaker 1:And the older you get the worse it is. Oh, it's terrible.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's so terrible.
Speaker 1:It's like being. I mean, can you remember waking up?
Speaker 2:In your driveway.
Speaker 1:Well, that, or at a stop sign, stop sign.
Speaker 2:I would sometimes out of pure safety put it in park at a stoplight because I was so afraid, yeah, yeah, very afraid.
Speaker 1:I've heard horror stories way worse than anything I ever experienced because I wasn't a real sleepy night nurse. You know you get those night nurses. Sometimes they're giving you report and they're like, yeah, hello, you know and and or, or in the middle of a conversation at the desk or whatever. It's 2, 30 or 3, 30 know, whatever, that weird time that before you do that and you're just asleep.
Speaker 2:Just asleep.
Speaker 1:You can't even help it and, oh God, it's so terrible. And when you wake up, you feel it's like a chronic hangover is what it feels like, because you're nauseous and you just function like that. It's so terrible.
Speaker 2:It is so terrible.
Speaker 1:It's so terrible, but you know, and it's not like, oh, I hate myself so much because I'm going to make myself do this. It's an identity. It's an identity and we embodied that night shift. We, we felt like we had to be there. We had to be there for each other, we had to be there for the patients. I know night shift worked best for the way my family was. My husband was in law enforcement and on shift work and we just had to. And we talk about it now and we're like, do we regret that? And I mean honestly, I don't. I, I don't think I would have survived working like a weird nine to five job and putting my kids in daycare. I personally, just I don't think I could have done that. And I think similar, when you go into the military or you do, you know it's like you are really, really in the trenches but in a weird way, you're very proud of yourself. You're proud to say that you're a nurse, you're proud of the work that you do.
Speaker 1:You're proud that you're the one that's up at night. Um, you know, I I would feel bad leaving my kids, but like I knew I was going to do good things right. Yes, you know, yes, and it that that had to be something overrode yeah, it overrode that physical. Oh mean, no wonder we're so tired, yeah, and oh, it's just, and you know, you say like no one should ever have to work night shift. But then who's going?
Speaker 2:to be there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah yeah, who's going to be there? Someone's got to do it.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, yeah, and there are people that are absolutely made to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there are those. I'm not one of them.
Speaker 1:I was for a long time I thought, but it was very damaging on my body.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, no, but there were a handful of people that there was no other lifestyle for them. Yeah, so God bless them.
Speaker 1:God bless them.
Speaker 2:Amy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no, not, no, no, no. I didn't go to day shift till 2018, so from 96 to 2018 I worked night shift.
Speaker 2:God, I remember I don't know if I told this when I in episode two, when we were talking about how I became a nurse but I worked nights downtown Friday, saturday and Sunday and Monday morning. I would get off at 7.15. I would drive 45 minutes across town to the school. I was in classroom eight or nine, I had an hour lunch break and I would go sleep in the clinic lab, the nursing lab, on one of the gurneys and my study partner would wake me up for class at like one o'clock or whatever it was and it was, and I mean I did that for I mean, and then I graduated and and went straight into night shift, had my six month orientation or whatever it was, on days and then night shift for, I think, a total of seven years, eight years, something like that. Yeah, I didn't do it as long as you, I, I don't. I never want to do it again.
Speaker 1:I uh, no, no, no, every now and then, like they'll do on the group me, they'll be like, hey, we did a night night shift nurse, you know. And then I'm like, I'm like, I mean, I'm like what? No, no, we do not do that anymore. I mean I'm one of the man I she was like begging if I would, please, please, please, come in, and I I had to tell her no several times and almost was like, and I was like, okay, literally, yeah. Okay.
Speaker 2:We don't, we do not do that anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Do not, that is a boundary. I don't regret any of that. I don't, and I don't think anybody should. I know because you know and I think you would agree If we didn't go through that we would not be who we are today and that sounds stupid and like something out of a book, but it's really true. If you didn't go through the things that you went through that caused you to be in situations where you were, that led you to a place that caused you to take a look and reevaluate your life, that's.
Speaker 2:That's that's the saying. I've said it before. Proust said to deny the man, the fool that I was in my youth, would be to deny the man that I am today.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah exactly.
Speaker 1:I love that and and I don't think any. No, nurse, should you know if you're listening to the podcast and you're thinking, god, that is me. You'll know when you're ready. No, you are not going to do any kind of changing, or until you're just ready. So things will resonate with you. You'll, you'll think about it, you, you'll, you'll think about it. It'll feel right in your bones to do something different, to make a change, to start doing things a little bit, not drastic, a little bit different, a little different perception on things. You know, little little things. I'm trying to think like what?
Speaker 2:some of the very first things, because I even have I shared, maybe I have, maybe I haven't, I'll, I'll. I'll share it again because it it was, I mean it kind of. It provides a little bit of context for kind of the meaning in everything that we've done together in creating, nursing you, like the, the statement at the end of our outro, our closing statement. Be kind to yourself One of the texts that we worked together with John he-, wait, wait you probably know, his last name said but we won't say it.
Speaker 1:but yeah, I know you, yeah.
Speaker 2:John, yeah, john, yeah, he. He would always I mean he was, I mean such a unique individual and he was. He would always say be kind to yourself.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And I was like what, what does, what does that even mean? And and I, I would ask him and I just stopped asking him because he said that he couldn't tell me, I had to discover it for myself. And so I I hesitate to share the what I discovered from hearing that over and over for years, because if I tell you, if I tell people to be kind to themselves and then I explain what it means to me, I could be robbing them of the deep meaning of of discovering that for themselves. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:It does make sense, but I think that it's not really because they'll they people still have to discover it. You have to know only to yourself. It's only going to mean something if you figure it out for yourself. So sharing something of how it became for you is just a story for them. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So you want me to say it, you want me to share the story. So I I thought about it. I've it never left me because he said it so many times and it always was just like, so open-ended. And I remember one day, you know, in my rebuilding phase, rebuilding my life, I had to mow the lawn and I didn't want to do it, but I knew that it had just rained a little bit. There were some dry patches in the ground. They were just dirt patches. If I waited until the next day, I would be subjecting my future self to a dust storm. That was unnecessary. If I just get my butt up and I go do it right now, I'm helping me of tomorrow. I'm helping the me that's going to be living tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that.
Speaker 2:By mowing the lawn today, and that moment was when I was kind to myself, the first time that I had this conscious awareness of my future self, where I'm actively being kind to myself, kind to myself, and it was again. It was just a flashbulb moment, a light bulb moment that kind of became one of the tools that I've used to think of myself in that observer role. What can I do for Caleb? That's going to be here tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, you know, 10 years from now, 15 years from now, it changed how. I haven't changed everything, you know I, I. It's still something I have to practice, it's still something I, but it's definitely one of the tools that that I use to care for myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I think that's so great. That reminds me of kind of the first time I started thinking of myself and then myself, so I was able, like I kind of separated that after I quit drinking and some of the education and groups that I was in, there were suggestions of setting yourself up for success for the next day, which you hear that a lot, you know whatever, but you know if you're going to go running, you know, set your shoes out in the morning, so it's not challenging.
Speaker 1:Well, my one thing that hit me was get your shit ready for tomorrow, don't? You don't want to have to wake up and make a lot of decisions. You want to go as far as you can in the day with ease until you you know. So that then hopefully because this she was basing it basically on stress so you want to get as far into the day without stress, with ease, so that you're not just going to be like I need a drink and then.
Speaker 1:so that was part of that work which was set your clothes out at night, set your lunch out at night, get your kids' stuff ready. You know, some of those things that would prepare, like you were saying, your future self for the tomorrow, so that you can live a more easy life. So, instead of just going to bed and not doing any of that and then having to worry or figure it out and stress out about what to wear and where's my food, and all that because that, for a drinker, leans to, I've had a lot of shit going on today and I I will be drinking when I get home.
Speaker 1:So, that was key for me and I still use it at now because it getting preparing today it just leaves for ease tomorrow and you're being kind. And you're being kind, you're being kind to your other self, yeah. Who can sabotage your ass.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh you, yeah, you can sabotage.
Speaker 1:Oh God, yeah, yes, and we do it a lot of times very subconsciously. That's just how our that's just how it is, and so you know, being kind to yourself is a very good tool, and everyone will view that differently and see it in their own lives. How it will, you know?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it kind of makes me think the value of rituals, like good rituals, like you had, the ritual of stopping a quick trip and doing the cinnamon roll and all the things, and cultivating positive rituals, that that kind of that are just inherently built in for being kind to yourself. Which diet is a huge one? Learning to cook like God with Instagram I mean, I've taught myself how to cook from Instagram.
Speaker 2:I just say I, you know they have the picture of the finished product and then you, you know, you scroll or, you know, move it over. Whatever, I'm obviously great at socials. You go to the video portion and it shows every process, every, every step in the process. It has a full list of the things that you need to get at the grocery store. So my, my grocery list is my Instagram saved posts that I've got a file of of recipes. So when I, when I want to learn something new and I mean I've gotten to be really good at it- I've had your food.
Speaker 1:What you've made is very tasty.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I'm very proud of it. It's just so silly, but it's such self-care.
Speaker 1:It's loving yourself so much that you will care for yourself as you would your child, you know. Yeah yeah, the feeling of caring for your child and the things that you would do for your child. You have to feel the same way about you and we don't, I mean.
Speaker 2:I never even thought of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah you know, just pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing yourself all the time, so draining yeah so draining. I think that we're excited to have some guests pretty soon. We're looking forward to those and getting those set up and getting those pods out there too. So again we're practicing asking for what we want. So in that, we would love if you would like and share, because that is how it gets, that's how this world is you share.
Speaker 2:You share what you love.
Speaker 1:If you set up a target, you tell somebody about it. You see a good podcast, you tell somebody about it. If you see a good podcast, you tell somebody about it. So if you think this is a good podcast, share it. Even if you don't think it's good, you can share it because surely? You know someone who could listen and get something good out of it. We have a website. It's wwwnursingupodcom. That's all on our social media and things like that.
Speaker 2:You know what we could call it Pod 4.
Speaker 1:Pod 4? Is it a train 4?
Speaker 2:No, we had three pods in our ICU.
Speaker 1:Oh God, caleb, what yeah, that's funny. This is like Pod 4.
Speaker 2:Like Pod 4.
Speaker 1:And then we can invite people to our pod. Yeah, we do. Yeah, that's funny. This is like pod four, like pod four.
Speaker 2:And then we can invite people to our pod.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, we'll see you guys next week.
Speaker 2:We hope you've enjoyed this week's episode.
Speaker 1:Remember, the conversation doesn't end here.
Speaker 2:Keep the dialogue going by connecting with us on social media posted in the links below or by visiting our website.
Speaker 1:Together, let's continue to redefine nursing and shape a brighter future for those we care for. Until next time, take care, stay curious and keep nurturing those connections.
Speaker 2:And don't forget to be kind to yourself.