Nursing U's Podcast
Nursing U is a podcast co-hosted by Julie and Caleb. We embark on an educational journey to redefine nursing within the modern healthcare landscape.
Our mission is to foster an open and collaborative environment where learning knows no bounds, and every topic—no matter how taboo—is explored with depth and sincerity. We delve into the essence of nursing, examining the intimate and often complex relationships between nurses and their patients amidst suffering and death.
Through our discussions, we aim to highlight the psychological impacts of nursing and caregiving, not only on the caregivers themselves but also on the healthcare system at large.
Our goal is to spark conversations that pave the way for healing and innovation in healthcare, ensuring the well-being of future generations.
'Nursing U' serves as a platform for examining the state of modern civilization through the lens of nursing, tackling issues that range from violence, drugs, and sex to family, compassion and love. We will utilize philosophy, religion and science to provide context and deeper understanding to the topics we tackle.
By seamlessly weaving humor with seriousness, we create a unique tapestry of learning, drawing wisdom from the experiences of elders and the unique challenges faced in nursing today.
Join us at 'Nursing U,' where we cultivate a community eager to explore the transformative power of nursing, education, and conversation in shaping a more whole and healthier world."
Disclaimer:
The hosts of 'Nursing U', Julie Reif and Caleb Schraeder are registered nurses; however, the content provided in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered medical advice nor should it be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or health concerns. The views expressed on this podcast are personal opinions and do not represent the views of our employers or our professional licensing bodies.
Nursing U's Podcast
Ep #027 - From Childhood Wounds to Healing Others: Beth's Nursing Story
How does a child who packed her alcoholic mother's wounds at age six grow up to become a compassionate healer instead of another tragic statistic? In this profoundly moving conversation, nurse practitioner Beth shares her extraordinary journey through childhood trauma, divine encounters, and the transformative power of unwavering faith.
Beth's story begins in circumstances most would find unsurvivable – managing household finances as a child, navigating a home where child protective services officers would leave investigations to join her mother at the bar, and learning medical skills out of necessity rather than choice. Yet amid this darkness, an encounter with Jesus at age eight became the lifeline that would carry her through decades of hardship. "I never felt loved as a kid," Beth shares with raw honesty. "I was always told I was unlovable. But in that moment, I was seen."
What emerges from Beth's testimony is a masterclass in resilience and spiritual maturity. She articulates a profound framework for understanding addiction – "I had to separate my mom as a person from her illness" – that offers healthcare professionals a pathway to compassion without enabling destructive behaviors. Despite losing her mother to suicide, her husband Jason to cancer, and facing her son's type 1 diabetes diagnosis, Beth maintains a perspective that transforms grief: "Death is the end to suffering, the end to this chapter, the beginning of the next."
For nurses struggling with emotional burnout, Beth's insights strike at the heart of healthcare's unspoken challenges. "Your job is to fix it. Your job is not to be affected by it," she explains, highlighting how the profession often leaves no space for processing trauma. Yet her practices of gratitude, positive language, and spiritual connection offer practical tools for finding purpose amid suffering.
This conversation transcends typical healthcare discussions by exploring how our deepest wounds often become the source of our greatest healing capacities. Whether you're a healthcare professional seeking perspective or someone navigating personal trauma, Beth's journey demonstrates how faith can become an unshakable foundation when everything else crumbles.
I think you're muted. I am muted because breathing it sounds like I'm in labor. Yeah, so I just mute myself. So, relaxing so great, so great, so great. I might mute myself during the podcast when I'm not talking, because my whole family's home just tonight, so you know.
Speaker 3:It's okay. I think is this the first time we've recorded at night.
Speaker 1:I think so.
Speaker 3:I think it is. Yeah, usually we do mornings?
Speaker 1:Yeah, most of the time it's Sunday, so this is a little different, but it's interesting.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm tired from working all day.
Speaker 1:Right. So we're all in a kind of a different mindset, working all day.
Speaker 3:Right, so we're all in a kind of a different mindset, definitely a different mode. Yeah, yeah, hi, I'm Julie and I'm Caleb. Welcome to Nursing U, the podcast where we redefine nursing in today's healthcare landscape. Join Julie and I as we step outside the box on an unconventional healing journey.
Speaker 1:Together, we're diving deep into the heart of nursing, exploring the intricate relationships between caregivers and patients with sincerity and depth.
Speaker 3:Our mission is to create an open and collaborative experience where learning is expansive and fun.
Speaker 1:From the psychological impacts of nursing to the larger implications on the healthcare system. We're sparking conversations that lead to healing and innovation.
Speaker 3:We have serious experience and we won't pull our punches. But we'll also weave in some humor along the way, because we all know laughter is often the best medicine.
Speaker 1:It is, and we won't shy away from any topic, taboo or not, from violence and drugs to family and love, we're tackling it all.
Speaker 3:Our nursing knowledge is our base, but we will be bringing insights from philosophy, religion, science and art to deepen our understanding of the human experience religion, science and art to deepen our understanding of the human experience.
Speaker 1:So, whether you're a nurse, a healthcare professional or just someone curious about the world of caregiving, this podcast is for you.
Speaker 3:One last thing, a quick disclaimer before we dive in. While we're both registered nurses, nothing we discuss here should be taken as medical advice. Always consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider for any medical concerns you may have. The views expressed here are our own and don't necessarily reflect those of our employers or licensing bodies.
Speaker 1:So let's get started on this journey together. Welcome to Nursing U, where every conversation leads to a healthier world.
Speaker 3:So we have an awesome guest today, someone I'm super excited, we're both super excited. Beth is somebody that we both worked with kind of in the heyday of the ICU time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, our time, our time together there. Yeah, that's what it feels like like the 1920s.
Speaker 3:It was just like a roaring icu like, like, like, like the goonies yeah up there up there it's their time, down here it's our time, it's our time down here down here, it's our time.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's how it was really, because, yeah, any one of us, all of us, could get together and it would be just like it was.
Speaker 2:It would just be the same.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah. So we are glad to have her here tonight with us.
Speaker 3:So whenever, when I describe Beth, I always remember. The thing that I remember is what an exceptional person she is and and has always been. Her life experiences are extraordinary and how she has managed to navigate her life is exemplary and she's just the best person. So excited to talk to her.
Speaker 1:She is like an angel, truly yeah.
Speaker 3:Let's just bring her up. Well, we couldn't hear anything that you were saying. I could see you down there reacting and we couldn't hear any of it. It was just talking.
Speaker 2:I said I didn't. I don't believe any of that, was just talking. I said I didn't, I don't believe any of that, I'm, but they're all good adjectives so I'll take it. So I appreciate it I don't know that I'm any of those things, but so where do, where do you even start?
Speaker 3:where do we even start?
Speaker 2:well, so yeah, I don't know. You tell me I'll start wherever I'm good at good at telling stories.
Speaker 3:Well, like I was saying before, we like to hear how people became nurses. What were the circumstances that led you to decide to dedicate your life to caring for other people? Dedicate your life to caring for other people. You know, one of the things, one of the commonalities among most of the people that we've interviewed, and including ourselves, is we have all experienced something that caused us to kind of think about life in different terms than maybe people who don't choose this profession do. So like it's almost so. It's almost like there's a compassion trigger that happens within all of us that pushes us in this direction. So, I guess, start there.
Speaker 2:Sure. So when I was a kid, my parents were divorced. Very young I was only like one. One of my parents got divorced and I was my mom had me very young.
Speaker 2:She was 16. So that I say that because it kind of didn't cause, but in a lot of ways caused some of the problems that she had moving forward. So my mom was very sick when I was growing up and she was a single mom but she was also an alcoholic. But she had hydradenitis separativa and asthma and all these things. But she had really bad hydradenitis Like.
Speaker 2:She was constantly having surgeries like excisions of staff under her armpits, under her breasts and her like in her groin, every place that you'd get them. But she also drank like a fish. She was an alcoholic so they never healed and she smoked. So from the time that I was like very little like we're talking six years old I remember like cause the only surgeon that would ever even touch her was a plastic surgeon that worked up at UNMC in Nebraska because they would always. They were always infected with staph but they could never close them. They'd always have to pack them and she we were alone, you know, so I would have to pack her wounds. So I was taking care of her as a kid, doing all of her wound packing and my mom would I mean she was an alcoholic She'd come home and be like blackout drunk and I don't say this to like besmirch her or anything, but it's just true. Like I remember one time she passed out on the toilet and fell in the bathtub and she was a big lady, she got stuck in there. I couldn't get her out. I was eight years old, I remember this very distinctly, but she had an asthma attack in the bathtub and she was like turning blue. And so I remember, like getting her rescue inhaler and you're trying to like time the the inhaler with when she's, you know, doing that. And so from a very young age I was always taking care of her. You know, like I balanced our checkbook, I made sure that I wrote the rent checks and she sent you know to to take them every month, I mean. So I never really had a childhood per se and my dad was into drugs, so you know, and in Arizona, so two polar opposite ends of substance abuse with both of them. And then when I would go to my dad's in the summer, I was always my grandma. Then it was dealing with his stuff, you know, always. So a whole life of that, a whole childhood of that, if you even want to call it a childhood. So, and just seeing how all of that changed them. That's why I you know, I've never done drugs, I don't drink alcohol Like I just seen how, what it does to you, not that I judge anyone for doing it, I've just seen it personally in my own life in such a hard way and how it just individually my, my parents and their families, and and how it just destroyed everything around them. Um, and so I just it, just you know that that was kind of how I got started and I was, I always want to.
Speaker 2:I remember what the Dr Holland was, the, the surgeon who always would operate on my mom and he was such a nice man and he knew that my mom had issues with alcohol and all of that. And I will never forget there was, there was a time I was probably eight or nine years old and it was one of the surgeries that that she came in for and he like cause he, she was always in there Like every month. There was something I mean it was so bad, like by the time she died she didn't have a belly button anymore and she, I mean just she, she had had, she'd been chopped on so many times that I mean it just it created like body dysmorphia issues with her and it's just just things that you look back and I it just breaks my heart for her now to and to see. You know how you change, how you see someone when you're part of it, versus looking back and you, just you, you just feel for them. But he gave me all these medical books cause he, he would always tell me he's like you should grow up and you should be a doctor. You should be a doctor and I would, because we were broke, my mom was on welfare, we lived in the ghetto. I mean, we had bullet holes in our metal front door. No joke, I mean you didn't come from a place like that and end up a physician. You just you know in my world, you just didn't. That's just not what happened.
Speaker 2:And I remember he brought me like this whole stack of medical books of his and he was like you know, when your mom is sick, because she wouldn't take me to school and things like that, he's like you need to read, you need to study, and he's like you know, this is your way out of here. And he told me that, like when she was like recovering one day, and he gave me this huge stack of medical books, and so I did, and I, just I told myself then I was like I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up. And, moving forward in time, I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse practitioner. I was a nurse first, but the reason being is I started as pre med and then my grandmother who raised me, my dad, was having a lot of issues with like drugs and at one point was homeless and living in a car. She was like you know, you can't go to medical school because, a nobody can help you pay for it and b like you need to get out of school so that you can help me financially take care of your dad. And so I changed my major so that I could help my grandma and get out of school faster.
Speaker 2:And and that's a big part of what brought me from Arizona to here was because eventually I needed space from him. I needed to just get away from all of it because I could, bleeding heart, like I couldn't be in the same city and know like, oh, my dad doesn't have electricity, my dad's going to be homeless, this, or you know. So I was constantly like, oh, I'm going to pay your rent, I'm going to pay, you know. So I'm here, I'm like 21 graduate from college, paying my rent, paying his rent, paying for my groceries, paying for his groceries. And it just got to be to the point where it was too much. You know, I wasn't living for myself anymore, I was living for everyone else, and so I had to. I left, yeah, and so I had to. I left, yeah, so, but that's how I became went into healthcare.
Speaker 3:I've always sort of done it, I guess. Yeah, I remember bits and pieces of that story and it's just remarkable, yeah.
Speaker 1:Have you ever gotten in touch with that, dr Holland?
Speaker 2:I have, I think he's. I, I think he's actually passed away. I did look, cause he was a dentist first actually, and and then became a surgeon like, went back and became a surgeon like later. So he was like a super doctor and I actually looked him up not like too long ago, cause he was an older man then and I think he's, I think he passed yeah, probably, yeah, yeah, I still remember his face.
Speaker 2:He was always very instrumental and he just kind of had like a grandfatherly like way about him, like you know and just kind of like that silent.
Speaker 2:Because I think when growing up you know, especially to you know in like an abusive household with substance abuse is like there you didn't talk about it, right, like you're not supposed to talk about it. And you know, part of me was like protective of my mom. I didn't want her to get in trouble because that was part of my caring for her was like keeping up the lie, I guess in some way. But then as a child who is in a bad situation, you just want help, so badly and but you can't talk about it.
Speaker 2:And so, like my principal at my school, I remember if I, if I hadn't shown up at school by like 9930, he would call our house, like when you saw landlines and dial phones and was like, is your mom sick today? You know landlines and dial phones and was like, is your mom sick today? You know, and that was kind of the code word for is she hung over, like and he'd come pick me up for you know, in his minivan and bring me to school. You know so, but everybody knew, but nobody said anything. You know, even Dr Holland knew. But you know what, what could you really do, I guess, to help. I mean, cps got called my mom so many times but my mom was friends with everybody, Like she, like I remember there would be times CPS would come to my house and then they'd leave and go to the bar with my mom the same night.
Speaker 2:So I know it was so it was hopeless for me because I'm like I'm never going to get out, I'm never going to get help. Like like, yeah, like she's brosephs with these people, like what the heck. So you just learn to just be quiet about it. And and then it's embarrassing too as a kid, like you don't want to, like nobody wanted to be my friend because, like you know, you're saying my mom's chain smoked in the house and so, like when we'd put our coats in the cubbies, like my coat would be here and then everybody else's coat would be over here because it smelled like smoke and nobody wanted you know. And as a kid it just hurt your feelings because you just feel like nobody you know wants to be by you or whatever. But now that you know I don't smoke and you smell somebody who's I mean somebody you get it. You're like, okay, I understand now.
Speaker 2:But, at the time. It doesn't make sense. Your mom shows up still drunk to school. It's embarrassing. Hi, I'm Beth, you don't lead with that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:For a long, long time I was embarrassed and I didn't want to talk about it. I think it was probably in my late teens, early twenties. I kind of just got to a point where I was like you know, I'm okay with this, like it just is what it is and it's. I used to think it was a reflection of me. You know these decisions that other people made, like my mom and my dad, and I finally just realized, after you know therapy and praying, that it's not a reflection of you and you learn to be okay with it and kind of move forward and think about it differently. It's about thinking about it differently, yeah.
Speaker 3:We've talked about kind of how rock bottom brings about like the term is individuation that you know, you, we have these identities that are tied up in our circumstances and we think that you know, we, we, we identify or we we view ourselves in the terms of our surroundings and the people that are around us. And when you go through something that separates you entirely from from the people around you and takes you to that rock bottom place, that that's where you actually discover yourself and you individuate, you become your own person and that's where life kind of begins in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would say, you know, I've you always think like, okay, I've hit my rock bottom, like this is it, it can't get worse, and then something else happens, right, like I would say that I've had, gosh, so many moments like that where you think like, okay, I don't know how this could get, you know, and I think they're all different and I think they teach you different things, like I, I remember, you know, just speaking to my parents, I think something that took me a long time to learn is so it is to separate the substance abuse from the person, because it's different and it's an illness. And I didn't, you know, you don't see that until you're removed from it a little bit. And it's hard when it's someone so close to you and someone that you love, because all you want to do. And then you know especially you know as I got older and I was in healthcare like your job is to fix things, like your job is to right the wrong, to fix the, and when you can't. And that you know goes into, like how I felt with Jason, as you feel, like I felt so incapable, like like I, I was broken, like there was some like I can't fix this, you know, and with my mom, I remember just having to separate, kind of mentally, like my mom as my mom and my mom as this person who has a problem, and dealing with both of those people differently because they responded to to me differently, you know, and that's really hard to do because the self-awareness that she needed to say like, yeah, I have a problem and I need help, that's hard in and of itself, but then to to she didn't want help from me because I was her daughter, right, so she didn't want me to tell her anything, but I was the only one who loved her enough to be honest with her and tell her the truth, where everyone in her circle was like, oh yeah, keep doing this party, come with me, do this, you know, and they weren't, you know.
Speaker 2:So that was really tough and I, I, I had to have some really hard conversations with her after Beckett was born because, you know, here I have. I had this different approach to her until I had my own son and then I was like I look at my kid and as you've looked at your kids, and you're like I've, how could I? I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, like, how could you know? And then I look at my mom like how could you have treated me this way my whole life? And so I, there was a part of anger at that moment and I was like you know, I have to live for my son now, like I have to. I can't live for you, I have to live for Beckett and love you from a distance.
Speaker 2:And that was the year before she passed away. And that was really hard. That was like really hard. But I needed to do that for my mental health, because it hurt me to love her. It really did like it was destroying me to love her. Um, because it's so hard sorry, I'm gonna cry it's so hard to watch somebody you love just go farther and farther down the hole and you're trying to hold on to the rope, you're trying to, you know, catch them and there's nothing you can do. There's just nothing you can do so.
Speaker 2:And then, and then when she died, when she committed suicide, it was so final and I felt, and then my grandmother, her mom, who was also processing this poorly and everything, and that's the other thing, her, her family wouldn't say like she's an alcoholic, you know, they would just keep enabling her to oh, she has problems, you know, we wouldn't put a name on it, and I think it's important to have a name for it because there's no shame in it.
Speaker 2:It's just recognizing what it is so that you can get the help you need. And she never was able to do that because, you know, the only person who was willing to say anything truthful was me. And so she just cut me out for a time, or she'd be horribly mean to me or abusive or whatever, or just to keep the truth away and then be around the people that were enabling the behavior. And so my grandmother, after she died, called me and was like this is all your fault. You did this to her. You know your mother will never you know God will never forgive you for what you've done to your mother. Her words, not mine. And I just you know I struggled with that for a long time, just like, was this my fault? Like did I do enough, did I, you know? So it's that gosh. That's like a totally different thing. Just her like in and of itself. But yeah, she was. She was always probably the reason why I ended up being in healthcare in general.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you think it?
Speaker 1:was that got you? You know, like everyone has kind of like a lifeline, what was it for you that really was able to carry you from that child to into the woman who you are, who you became, who you are becoming, or you know how did you go from there to here, like did you have something from from there to here, like what did you have something? What helped you the most?
Speaker 2:Honestly, I think my faith I can't blame it on anything else I was always, thankfully, I always went to a little Catholic school and I I always knew and I don't know if this was just something that was like that, I just knew intrinsically or what. But from a very young age I always knew that there was something bigger, right Like that, that God existed and that there was. You know, this, this, this person that I couldn't see in the world. That was the only person that I had right, because I, my family, wasn't around, nobody wanted to really get involved because it was messy and all that stuff. And then my grandma, who was my dad's mom, who was probably the only person who genuinely cared about me just surviving my childhood, but she was far away. I mean, she was thousands of miles away and I wasn't. My mom wouldn't let me talk to her.
Speaker 2:During the year, she, my grandma, would give me like a calling card. I don't know if you remember those old calling cards, like when, at the end of every summer, where you could call like dial so that your it wouldn't show up on your phone bill, cause my mom would get mad if she saw it. And so my grandma would give me a calling card at the end of every summer and you know if I it was an emergency or if I needed to talk to her. And so I would say, and my grandma used to tell me you know, and who knows, she may have just said this, cause she was, I was little, but she's like you know, you're, you're a special person, like God loves you. And and she told me when I was little and and I don't know, you know, I guess this kind of goes back to like faith in God and how much you believe in in all of that. I 150 million percent do.
Speaker 2:But she said that when I was very little, like two or three years old, she was giving me back to my mom to go, you know, back to her time or whatever, and she was just so worried that like I was going to die, like cause my mom would leave me alone for days. She'd lock me in a bathroom at two or so years old so that I would be contained and then just leave. She'd just leave, and so I didn't have anybody watching me or whatever. And so my grandma and the only reason my grandmother knew was she had a press here, and their actual paper documents prove all these things, which I didn't know until I was much, much older. But she was so worried that I was just going to die like that, something was just going to happen to me and that I would never even survive my childhood.
Speaker 2:And she said that she was praying as I was leaving with my mom to just assign that I would be okay, that I would be protected. And she said she saw this giant angel behind me, like walking with me, and so that was just always a story that stuck out in my mind and as a kid I would just pray all the time my mom would leave to go to the bar and we lived in a bad neighborhood. I was kind of scared to be there because there was a crack house next door. I mean there were people that would come banging on the door in the middle of the night. I mean, it was just kind of scary.
Speaker 2:And I would just every day I would pray at school, like I'd pray and sit there and I was so short. I prayed my little pew like and I would just say, please take me away from my mom, please take me away from my mom. Every day for years, and so I think that that was the biggest thing is just my faith, and and just knowing that somehow someday it would be better. Um, but yeah, it wasn't easy at all. It was bad, really bad.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so one of the things that you said well first, well, you said that you have to separate the illness from the person in terms of addiction, and so so Julie and I have talked about our own addictions on the podcast a lot, how the trauma kind of informed informed what, what I would call maladaptive coping mechanisms that we were coping with the things that we were experiencing and we were doing it in ways that were not serving us in any way.
Speaker 3:I think you can use substances to kind of elevate and get yourself out of a mind state that you're in, but if you don't have any, any controls to pull you back into reality, you, you lose control. And so one of the one of the things that had to happen in my life was I had to be, I had to choose to, to take accountability for myself and just say no, and I had to make the choice, and so there's this accountability element, and so what I'm kind of getting at. You said when you, you, you termed it addiction as an illness, and one of the things that I have personally wrestled with is this idea that you hear people say when you, when you call an addiction an illness, you remove accountability from the individual and you're blaming it on something external.
Speaker 3:And so there's this idea that this external thing is causing you to do the thing that's not good for you. But then for me, in my personal life, I had to take accountability in order for me to get out of that situation and get out of that behavioral pattern and make the changes. So where is that? Like what? What are your thoughts on all of that?
Speaker 2:Hmm, so I think so too. I kind of think about it in two separate ways, so as the person who's struggling with it and then the person who's, like, involved in the person's life, like the close, like the family member or the wife or whatever. I had to look at it as two separate things. Right, like my mom is my mom, and then kind of this illness as it's because you know from my own experience with it, with my parents, it's you do have to, they do have you'd have to see it right, like, you have to see, like and realize, okay, this, this is a problem, this is a maladaptive response to whatever it is that you're trying to drown out. My mom, it was hurt. You know she was sexually molested as a child. My, my dad hurt her by leaving her and left, left her with me and you know she, looking back as as an adult, looking at her life, how hard that must have been for her. She was 16. She got kicked out of a Catholic school because you couldn't be Catholic and be pregnant at the same time. Back then that was a big no-no, one of my huge problems with organized religion. There's a big difference between religion and faith. Right, got kicked out of her house. Her parents didn't, you know. So she got kicked out of her home and had to live with my, my dad's grandma, or my grandma, her, his mom and dad, because you know of the situation, and so nothing that she had to deal with because of me whether I had, you know, it obviously wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to be born, but you know she saw that as being directly related to me and so she, you know, she started blaming all these other things but drowning out that pain and drowning out all those hurts with alcohol and just to numb it, you know, because the the memories and dealing with those were too hard. And the bad thing about her situation is that she just didn't have the support that she needed to help her through those things. Like it could have been different.
Speaker 2:And my mom, for about three years of her life, from the time I was about 17 to 20, she was sober and like legit sober, and that was probably the best relationship period of time that I ever had with her where I actually felt like I wasn't her mom, that I was actually her daughter, I mean more like a friend than a daughter. I don't think I've ever been treated like an actual child by my parents ever, or by anyone. But we went on vacation together. I could talk to her, we could have good conversations that were sound and like, actually talk back and forth, rather than me trying to tell her like okay, this is the next step, this is what we have to do. This is, you know, all of those like like me, parenting her, basically.
Speaker 2:So when I say that I had, especially for my own mental protection, I had to see, okay, like this is your mom who has this illness, who she's not aware that you know what she's even doing this to herself, like you know.
Speaker 2:And I guess you could say you have blinders on in some ways, because when you're trying to and it's with any situation doesn't have to be substance abuse.
Speaker 2:I mean, you see people like even in hospice, like with with my, with Jason's mom and dad, like they just didn't want to see it right, so like the avoidance of something, or like you see people who are so sick and they are dying and they're not willing to say like, ok, now is the time to transition to palliative care or time to go to hospice, we're still going to keep fighting.
Speaker 2:They don't know when to quit and because there's just this gap in their mind of what that means. And I think it's a huge mental hurdle and everybody's got their own reason right. The hurdle is different for everybody, so for me I think that's kind of. I hope I'm making sense when I say I have to look at it separately, because if you don't, that's where people just give up. I think on people and they say like I can't deal with you, I can't deal with you, I can't deal with this, and I just have to, I have to just walk away from you, and I think that's how no, no, no I'm going to pause, so that's the reason I separate it between person and thing is it's.
Speaker 2:I think it's the most fair, you know, also just because it's not fair in my opinion, but it doesn't always start as a choice, I believe that I think it's something that's not done with the intention of like, oh, I want to be an alcoholic, or I want to be a drug addict, I want to be a pill popper.
Speaker 2:Nobody's there. There's that traumatic that trigger, that something that starts it and then it becomes a choice at a certain something that starts it and then it becomes a choice at a certain point. And so I think, trying to be fair to the human right, the person who is behind all of that, the brokenness that is creating that choice over and over and over, you know, in my mind it's always kind of helped me see her, see my mom, see my dad as a human, you know, and not just how it personally and emotionally affects me. That's different, I think, for someone who's going through it, because at a certain point you do have to realize it's a choice and behaviors that have to change and mindsets that have to think differently as to like why you're doing it or why you're doing anything you know that hurts your health or your body or whatever that matters.
Speaker 3:It kind of when you, when you separate it out like that, to me it there's. So you remember the night at the museum, the movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so there's this idea like that the museum is, this place, it's like the mind of the character of Ben Stiller that he's going into this museum and all of these archetypal figures that he encounters are parts of his psyche and that, you know, you meet me, dum-dum me, one gum-gum.
Speaker 3:You know that that that that personality is, is part of his psyche. And then there's like the, the guy that wants to tear everything um and and all these different archetypes of personality that exist within his mind. And so when I hear you making that separation, it really kind of creates a beautiful picture in my mind, because it implies that the person has gotten stuck on one of those personalities, on one of those personalities, and it opens the door, in my mind at least, for the people that are stuck on that character, that if they understood that there are other aspects of character that they can maneuver out of, almost like a wheel, like spin this frame in, in and I can be this person, I can, I can change who I am. It gives freedom to to become a better version of yourself.
Speaker 2:Well, I always, or like the phantom leg, you know, you like the phantom leg syndrome, kind of thing. You know, people have gotten amputations but they still feel like they have their leg or they have their toe or whatever. You know, I feel like sometimes, when I would listen to my mom or I'd listen to my dad talk about if they were willing to talk about why, you know it was always there would always be an, a crutch. It would be the phantom leg, the excuse that wasn't there, you know and sometimes it was, you know, like with my mom.
Speaker 2:There were real tangible things that had happened. But trying to convince her or my dad, like you don't need that thing right, like you don't need that, like the phantom leg, like it's not there, you can, you can be a full, whole person without this thing, and then like the slow recognition that the thing that you think is helping you is actually ruining your life, like that just it's so obvious to everyone around you but it's not obvious and that's hard because it becomes the crutch, it becomes the thing that you go to. It's the easiest thing. And I think sometimes too, like what you're saying, where you can switch, like you know, I can be this person instead of this person. I think for, because I remember at one point I went to it's called Al-Anon You've probably heard of it. It's for it's like AA, but for the people who aren't drinkers or but they're family members or whatever, and I had to actually go to it for a project for school and I was like, oh man, how I don't even want you know, like I don't want to go there.
Speaker 2:You know, and all of these these people were so angry and you know, I remember there was a lady whose son was an alcoholic and she was so mad at him and and you know, everybody was this. They're kind of like venting and just being so angry at whoever it was in their life that had an issue with substance abuse. And I just remember I didn't say much and I just remember leaving thinking like man, you know, we project so much of this blame and accusation on, like well, they could just stop or they could just choose not to do this, and we, like we need therapy to like the people who are involved, because the way that we to like, the way I, the way I would talk to my mom, the way I would approach her, the way, you know, just seeing them as we stop seeing them as people and we start seeing them as their substance abuse. And that's why I say for me it was helpful to kind of compartmentalize how I thought about my mom, how I thought about my dad, because if I let my emotion just completely take over, how I dealt with every situation with either of them, I would get upset, Like I would get mad or I'd get disappointed or I'd get sad because it felt personal, like it was them doing that to me when that really was never what it was. It was never about that. And so by compartmentalizing like this versus that, my my mom as an alcoholic versus my mom as a person, it helped me to to to deal with her and to talk to her in a way that was respectful.
Speaker 2:But I think I have to assume and hope that, especially like in her good parts of her life, that she heard me. You know that she she wasn't just listening, she actually heard what I said and when she was sober for that long period of time, I really think she did hear me. Like those things were taken to heart because she made actual changes. Like I helped her move to a different city where she wasn't around the same people who were taking her to the bar all the time and helped her adopt a dog and you know just normal constructive things and things that made her feel proud of herself and, you know, kind of finding that purpose in her life again that had nothing to do with me or had nothing to do with her family.
Speaker 2:It had everything to do with like, who am I as a human and what do I like? You know, what am I good at and what do I want to do. And so I think, for the people who are on the outside of that, who aren't, you know, substance abusers if that's the name we're going to give it, but who are the family members or the friends or whatever is is just trying to remember that it is not, that's not who they are, and I don't think it should define who they are, because that's not who they started out, as you know. And that's hard because it's, you know, it is emotional and it's it's gut-wrenching for everybody involved. So, but that's kind of why I think about it like that.
Speaker 1:Well, and it's amazing that you were doing that at such a small child. You know that you were able to. As a small child, it's, it's the nature of the brain to protect you, because you had to stay safe. She was who was supposed to keep you safe and so you had to. You couldn't be against her. You had to be with her. You had to. Yeah, you know it's like you. You, you were protecting yourself and saving yourself by by doing that and looking at her, being able to look at her as who she was, which was your mother. And and then that she had this like illness. You know her sickness. She was sick.
Speaker 1:I mean, even for a small child, that's what you called it, that's what it was, and it's so amazing that children it's sad that they have to be put in situations like that it's sad that they have to be put in situations like that, but the you know to be where you are today, having gone through that is, I mean it's remarkable that you didn't end up. You know an alcoholic that you didn't. You know it was like that's kind of why I asked you that before there was, but then you know, you said it. We might've been paused there for a moment, but you explain the what you saw when you were, when you were two, when we were on break, when the face of Jesus. Oh, you paused for a minute. Oh, I did, yeah yeah, it was okay.
Speaker 2:Maybe it's just on my side. Yeah, I was eight and I remember I was in the. It was like my grandma had an old like farmhouse and so it's kind of like the attic. You know the little attic, but it's like a regular room kind of thing and I was always scared to be up there. It was creepy and it smelled like old people. And it was no offense, that was not meant to be offensive.
Speaker 2:But it just it just had like an old grandma house smell and it was dark and it was long and it was just it just was creepy up there and so but my mom and I were up there and she was kind of being mean like you know, hitting me just not, you know, not good. And the only time she was allowed to drink at my grandma's house cause she lived in a different town than we did was when my uncles were there and you know, like her brothers, and they just hoop it up and whatever. And I remember, like I always, like whenever I talk about it, people say, well, I don't know if I hear like the voice of God when I talk or when I pray or if I have a dream, and I always say, like it's so distinct, you'll never not know it, because it's not something you can liken to anything that you have ever experienced in your day-to-day life, because it's not something you can liken to anything that you have ever experienced in your day-to-day life, because it's not the same thing, right, your spiritual being and your physical being are not the same thing. And so I remember hearing, not with my ears, but you know, in my heart or in my spirit my name being called to the right and in the right there was in the, in the, in the corner of my grandma's attic there was like one of those old corner shelves, you know, and on it was like a creepy statue of Jesus and Mary, like the creepy ones you see in a church. That like scare all children and they freaked me out.
Speaker 2:And I remember when I looked over into that corner, the whole corner was just white, like it. It's not that I use that color as the, as the term that cause. There's no color I've ever seen like it. It wasn't like a light bulb, it wasn't. It was just like glistening and white and it just everything beyond. It was just white and light, forever and ever. And Jesus was just standing in the middle of it and then just a white garb with a twine rope tied around his waist, curly brown hair, shoulder length maybe a little shorter. And I just remember like.
Speaker 2:I remember just being stuck in this moment, like, and I felt like I was not in this place. It was in a different place. But I remember seeing my mom in the periphery of my left side, but everything in that periphery seemed like slow motion, you know, like it was, like I was in a bubble and I heard her calling my name but it sounds like if you've ever heard somebody yelling and you're underwater like that, like an echo or you know. It sounded like that, like far away and I remember it sounded like that like far away and I remember her shaking me like I felt it but I didn't feel it and I just remember staring like being just affixed to what I was seeing and I I never felt loved.
Speaker 2:As a kid I was always told you're unlovable, Nobody would ever want you or you know. So I didn't know that as a kid I didn't feel loved or accepted or wanted sorry. And I just remember just this feeling of just threw me and in me and washed all over that. I was loved very genuinely for his broken, as I was the kid that nobody saw I was seeing Sorry. And I remember again hearing, not with my ears, because he never, like, spoke with his mouth and just constantly just staring at me and just in a loving way. And just I remember hearing, just staring at me and just in a loving way, and just I remember hearing it's going to be okay, like you're going to be okay, and and then I blinked and he was just gone and I remember just like wanting to go back, like, oh my gosh, just take me with you, like I don't want to be here, like I want to be there.
Speaker 2:And my mom thought I had a seizure or something. She was like had an absence seizure and she was like what is wrong with you, what you know? And I told her and she I don't know if she just didn't believe me or she was just like they're crazy or whatever. And I told I remember I told my grandma, my dad's mom, because she was a painter and she was the one who saw that angel over me when I was very young and and she would always I she tried to paint it like I would try to explain what I saw for years, and she would try to paint like what I was describing, but she, like she would have the outline and she'd have all this up, but the face was always blank because I couldn't describe.
Speaker 2:Because if you, you could describe a person with feeling instead of physical features, like he had physical features, but the feeling is just more overwhelming than anything and that's why, when Betsy brought me that little placard, it just hit me. I was like, if I could just take that face and put it on the picture that my grandma painted so many years ago. You know, it was that face and, and I remember, you know, moving forward, as Jason was sick and he knew about this story, he would and he didn't grow up in like a religious household or a faithful household at all, and I would say, arguably, I didn't either but he always wanted to hear that story and I think it was very comforting to him to just know, because he was scared and to know that that's where he was going. And I was a little jealous, you know, because it's like man, where you're going I want to be, because, man, there's nothing that you know. Everybody would want to feel that way. So, but anyways, yeah, it was, that was the thing that kind of got me through, and I, you know it was a hard thing too, cause it's like it wasn't until I was 12. So four years later that I finally got taken away from my mom, Um, and it was just like man, what took so long?
Speaker 2:You know, I mean, God's timing is very different than ours and I don't know why. I mean, I don't have any explanation for that, um, but it's, it's always been like. It's probably the most significant moment I think I've ever had in my life, and the thing that I always go back to when all these bad things happen is that I know that it's not because, like you know, I've heard so many people say well, you know, bad things happen. Why would God let bad things happen? You know, and it's not because of God. It's something different and yeah, so that's a big conversation, huge conversation, but yeah, sorry, my nose running now what do you think, caleb?
Speaker 3:I think beth is exactly as we described her before we started recording.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Just an exceptional person.
Speaker 1:It just is. I mean it clearly. You were here for a reason. You were there with your mom for a reason. You were born into that family, to those parents. For a reason, you got married to Jason for a reason. You had Beckett for a reason. It's all for a reason and it, it, it just is. And some people that you know, and and so beautiful to be able to speak about faith and what you know, that it was almost like you're like, like a rope, you know, like if you're falling off the cliff but you have the rope, you know you can always like click onto the rope, you know, with that, yeah, yeah, I wish I could like give that to people Cause you know, there's there's a song.
Speaker 2:There's a Christian song, I don't know it's. I Thank God it's by Maverick City Music, I think it's. I think it's there in St Louis, but it's. One of the verses is like, basically, like I've seen and I don't have any reason not to believe, and I think that, you know, I think that about myself all the time, like when I've had issues with being angry with God or being frustrated or questioning, like when Jason was sick. Like you know, you can't choose your family. You're born into the family you're born into and you, just, it is what it is.
Speaker 2:But Jason was the first person who chose me. Like you know, he loved me, broken and with all the flaws and all of like, knowing all the bad things. And you know, like I never, ever, anybody I ever dated, I never introduced them to my family because, like hard, no, hard, no, like that's not going to happen, you know, because they might not love you or they might judge you or they might, you know, define you by where you came from. And it was always very scary for me and it wasn't until I met Jason when I realized, like you know, he kind of taught me that you are lovable and that there are people in the world that can love you broken, and that brokenness doesn't have to define you either. It can. You know, you can still make something of that.
Speaker 2:And and so when he got sick and I realized, you know, he was his stage four cancer from the beginning and I was it just felt like a sucker punch. You know, like having gone through all that and I feel like, you know, I get out of, I come here, I move here from Arizona and I'm like, okay, I finally have breathing room, like I'm going to start my own family, I'm going to be kind of free from this in a way. And then here we go again, you know, and it's like it just felt like a sucker punch. It's like now, this, you know, now I have to lose the one person that I chose, and you know. But those and and then I have those moments from like man, god, do you even like me? Like what the heck did I? You know what? Did you get confused with another along the way?
Speaker 2:and right then I think about that song and it's like. You know, you don't have any reason to not believe. Like you've seen, you know, I know 100% that God is real and heaven is real. And I had you know, this is another thing we could talk about with Jason is after he died.
Speaker 2:I had a couple very distinct dreams that I know were vision like that. They weren't normal dreams, vision like that that they weren't normal dreams and it was just so. You know, just it's a grappling like this, this journey of faith that we have in life, and how it affects everything, and I wish that I could give that vision, that that memory of mine, to every person that struggles with that, because just to know that there's somebody in the world. You know, god came to the world to take away all the reason that we would have an end at death. You have to be able to choose to live it. So much of it comes from not giving up but giving in and letting God take over your life and, at least for me, that's been the only thing that's kept me going and kept me sane.
Speaker 2:You know, I I couldn't have done it. I should have. I should have been a drug addict or, you know, an alcoholic. There's no reason. You know my, I had family members like I was telling you, julie, like the product of a black sheep is always a black sheep.
Speaker 2:You know they were telling my grandma, like don't bother with her, give up on her. You know there's no reason to even, you know, to even waste your breath. And that's hard, you know, as a kid, when you're always trying to just defy the odds, you know you're already coming from nothing. And then everyone's telling you you're never going to be anything. And I was like, well, you don't know me, I'm going to do whatever you say I can't do. I'm gonna do it 10 times better than you thought I was going to do it, you know. So it's. You know, you, you go to a about proving proving it to everyone else but also proving it to yourself that you, you can do hard things and but you can't do it alone. And I didn't have any physical person, so God was the one that I wasn't doing it alone, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause you chose the biggest one, you know. Yeah, you chose the biggest one, that's good, the biggest one, that's good. Yeah, it's an amazing story.
Speaker 3:I think it's a little bit tangential to everything that you've been saying. Rock bottom was just a lot of anger for some of the same reasons that you mentioned. Nurse, probably every ER nurse goes through a phase where it feels like death is following them, where you don't go to the hospital without a death. I mean, I, I, I remember mine, mine was fairly early in my career and it was like a three month stretch where I didn't enter the that building, where I didn't code either my patient or someone else's patient on the unit or responding to a code on the floor or you know whatever. There wasn't a single time that I entered those doors and and so you do think that it's you, you think there's something wrong with you and it makes you question everything. It makes you question your reality, it makes you question everything, it makes you question your reality and for me it almost gave me a sense of self-entitlement that I became more selfish, I became angry and I think outwardly I would probably still present it as nice and and caring, but internally I was very angry and mad and and the journey out of that has been, you know, I, whenever I start to complain, even even in my own mind. If it's just I mean cause, that's where it starts is in your heart and in your mind, and whenever that starts for me, I immediately like it's easy for me to recognize it. Now I just start saying thank you, thank you, thank you that I have this warm blanket on this cold night, thank you that this couch is so soft and comfortable and that I get to sit here with my friends and have an amazing conversation with them and connect in a meaningful and deep way. So I have that practice in place.
Speaker 3:You've been on such an incredible journey and I know that your faith is integral to how you have navigated all of the mental struggles that come along with the experiences that you've had. Is there anything like I have? You know I had to have a very intentional process of cultivating joy for myself. Are there any? Is there anything that like any practical thing that you did to to that we can hand over to our audience that you've done to like? Is there a mental like switch that you flip that says I'm not going to be angry, I'm going to be, I'm going to be. This person Is there is there?
Speaker 2:do you have any? I think, that there's no magic trick. Right Like I think that, no matter how faithful you are, how much, no matter what, you have human emotions and you're going to go through all of those emotions.
Speaker 2:Right Like you're going to be angry, you're going to be disappointed, You're going to have all those same things. And kind of going back to what you were saying about you know, you felt like death followed you. No-transcript say death follows you. It's like I feel like I lose everyone I love to death, you know like I've lost.
Speaker 1:We do, and we do a lot of.
Speaker 2:I don't. I don't have a lot of people right like I've lost my mother. I don't have a relationship with my dad. I don't know if he's dead or alive. Um, the last I haven't spoken them for years and the last time he called me was for parenting advice and it was just not a good conversation.
Speaker 2:And so, you know, I've lost my husband, I've lost my grandparents, when you know that, raised me, I've, everyone that's close to me dies, everyone, like my family. You know that I'm really close with and again, I haven't had a lot of people. You know I was adopted and my family wasn't involved when I did live with my mom, so I've never been super close to any of them. So, you know, I just feel, and then, you know, after Jason died, then my son got diagnosed with type one diabetes when he was 10. And so it's like there's this constant thing that's trying to kill my son all the time and I just there are several moments where I just feel like what the heck did I do, you know, to have this? You know it's like it makes you not want to be close to people because everyone you're close to you lose, and but then, just remembering that that's not it, you know it's. It seems like sometimes that's it, but it that's not it. And everyone's journey, however long or short, you know, is their own. And I think the thing that makes me feel better sometimes about or just just just to be, you know, being positive is, like you said, just trying to have a grateful heart and remembering all the things that you're blessed with. We're blessed with the fact that we're just sitting here, breathing right Ourselves. We don't have a trach like your friend's son. We don't have, you know, some of these. Just I don't have type type 1 diabetes. I wish I could take it from my son, but you know, like, just simple things. You know, sometimes people have nothing. I have nothing. We all have one thing, you know, we can all come up with one thing and I've often and I also realized too like and this sounds silly, but it's made a huge difference in the last couple years.
Speaker 2:But I don't cuss anymore and it sounds crazy, but like I, someone, I, someone, I saw it on this, this Christian podcast. They were talking about how not cursing is in the Bible. I was like that is not in the Bible, like whatever, that's such crap. It's actually in Thessalonians, and so, anyways, I went to the Bible and I read it and I was like, okay, well, let's just do a little trial and see. And I, what I realized was, like you know, even when it's like just driving, you know, I get someone cut me off.
Speaker 2:And I that just cussing made me more angry and it made me perseverate into this negative place of just getting more anxious, getting more wrapped up in the anger of whatever's going on in the moment, and so I just I don't cuss anymore, and it does make a difference, because when I want to, I don't and I'm like, but then it just immediately like deescalates yourself when you don't say the thing that you want to say so badly, it just you're just over it because it's. It's something so weird about the domino effect of what it does to your brain Like all of a sudden tip over this domino effect of negativity and you just get so much more angry and then you get mad, like this brings up this, and this makes me more angry because then it reminded me of this thing that happened, you know, and it I was really surprised by it when I did my little like experiment and I was like, you know, I'm not gonna do that because I don't need any more reasons to be mad. No, thank you. And just small little things like that. And just you know, finding the joy and things that you know staying off social media sometimes is helpful, because I feel like that can be really negative for me.
Speaker 2:Like you know, everybody puts their highlight reel on there, obviously, and then we go into what we do of comparing and whatever, and it's like man, I know that that's a lie, that that's a raging dumpster fire and you know, I mean there's some things that are good on social media but then there's a lot of things that are just bad. So I don't know, I pray, I don't cuss and I try to really focus on like just small things, because I don't have a lot of people Like I have a really hard time like trusting people. I've gotten better about it as I've gotten older but, like to your point, like I feel like everyone I love I lose, and so I just I don't. I just feel like everyone comes into your season for a reason you know, and so I just kind of I internalize things quite a bit and and when I say I pray all the time, I pray all the time and it is my thing that helps and yeah, so there's not a magic key.
Speaker 2:Everybody's gonna get mad, everybody's gonna have a you know their moment. And I think letting yourself have emotions is important. Like trying to just be happy all the time is unrealistic, and saying you're okay when you're not okay is not realistic either. Like it's okay to not be okay and then but. But having your moment and then recognizing that emotion and dealing with it and then moving forward is important. Because when we get stuck in the emotion that we're in or keep going back to it, keep going back to the anger, back to the hurt. My mom did that all the time. She would get depressed about something or she'd have a memory and then she'd just keep going back to this place. That was years ago, so long ago. It happened.
Speaker 2:But, we kept going back there, kept going back, kept going back and weren't going forward. And I think that it's so important, like when my son got diagnosed with type one, like he's so happy and outgoing and positive and like he's like the best human ever and I've never seen him depressed until that moment. And it was scary for me as a mom, but like having hard conversations with him about suicide, about feeling real feelings that it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to not be happy all the time, like you don't have to, just like you said, you know, just put on a happy face and pretend that you're okay, because people know, people can tell, like I would work with you at night and you were.
Speaker 2:You know people that are trying not trying too hard. That's not nice, but like you're overly funny, you're overly joking You're, you know cause you're, you're compensating for that. You're trying very hard for people not to see and not everybody picks up on that. Not everybody sees it. But you also don't want to go up to some of you and be like not everybody picks up on that, not everybody sees it, but you also don't want to go up to some of you and be like are you okay?
Speaker 2:Like, are you for real? Okay, um, but I feel like maybe we should more, because a lot of and I have more as I've gotten older because I think people are afraid to ask for help or afraid to say they need to talk to somebody, and I think I do that too, because I didn't have anybody to talk to about so many things in my life and I felt so alone and I felt so, you know, it's such an isolating feeling, so I will like, if I see somebody doing that, that I know now I'll go up and be like are you okay? Like, like for real, okay, you know. And a lot of times it opens up a door to a conversation that you would have never had otherwise. And like when I saw Julie's post about you know, talking about like, you know, if it can help one person, I'm in because I've been in that position where nobody wanted to listen, nobody wanted to be there, you know, and it's a terrible feeling and and not everyone can can get out of it on their own or and and I, like I said, I didn't do it on my own, I'm, but I mean not everybody, everybody kind of like we all want to.
Speaker 2:We tend to go back. We can tend to go back to the bad feeling, back to the hurt, back to the whatever it is, and then like it's like a toilable, like how do you get out of it? It's just, you know, you just circle down and it just gets worse and worse.
Speaker 3:I think that's what nursing you is. I mean, you know, when I someone asked me today, actually what, where my life is going, what, what if you were to do the if you, if you were to like where, where is your life going and what is, what is your purpose? And my response was well, I don't know where my life is going. No one really knows that. But but my purpose is really tied up in the work that julie and I are doing with nursing you. Because if, if we can, because the we are the most compassionate and caring subsect of society, and if we can help that demographic because nurses are killing themselves like it is happening, it's a crisis If we can help the most compassionate, kind and caring subsect of society, that that affects that, the, the reaches of that work, it stretches so far, it helps so many people. If we can, if we can help just that one person, their compassion, their caring and their kind spreads to everything else. And so I think, kind of hit on that, you hit on that with what you were just saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because we talk about that a lot too. Is you know, nobody ever talked to each other about how are you feeling after that code? It was like did you get everything done? What did you do to get your other medicines? You know, quick, quick, quick.
Speaker 3:Checking your times.
Speaker 1:Yeah, get the bed, get the bed, get the bed emptied. Get the body bag, get the. You're getting another patient. You know, yeah, right, and nobody, nobody talked to each other and it. I even find myself although I don't work in an ICU, but when I'm there I'm different. I'm just different around other nurses these days and and people, because they, you have to speak and you have to talk and you, you know nobody. You're not taught that. You're not taught that in nursing school for sure, and and it's just not part of the landscape of of an ICU or an ER really is what I know. You know, and it takes people like us going through situations that we've been through, coming out on the other side, healing ourselves and becoming more whole, and to be able to then help to heal other people. You know, and I think that's what you're doing, that's what we're doing and you know it, it's, it's only good yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think nurses are are nurses are the worst because they're at the bedside all the time. Doctors and nurse practitioners, you know it's different. It's similar but different. It's just a different vantage point. But having been on both sides of it, you know patient side, you know working side is that nurses? You know again, your job is to fix it. Your job is not to be the one that's affected by it. Your job is to have the answers to fix it. Fix it. Your job is not to be the one that's affected by it. Your job is to have the answers to fix it. And so you're not allowed to.
Speaker 2:You know, especially when you're, you know you're have a shift, you're busy, you don't have time. You know process everything that's going on, because you are just trying to fix it and stay ahead of the next problem and the next lab and the next whatever, prevent the next code or whatever's going on. And so you don't get the mental piece to just like process what's going on. You compartmentalize this part of yourself. You know Julie the nurse versus Julie the person, and then how it all, how it can, but it's connected and it's hard to separate from that because you can't. It's just, you know, it's part of you and you get to know these people's families and it becomes very personal and it's it's hard, especially when you you know, you know you're going to lose someone, no matter what you do, and there's no fix for it. You know, especially when you know, especially a family, who who's like wait what? Like you can't, like they're in a hospital, you can't fix it it's like death is an inevitable end for all of us. You know like and having that conversation with people is really hard that no matter what you do, at some point in life we're all going to hit that crossroad where death, death is the inevitable end, but it's not the end forever. You know, and I think that for me that's the thing that that helps in some ways is it's the end to suffering. In a lot of ways, you know it's the end to this chapter, the beginning of the next, and it's there's so many things that death Causes for people that are left behind, and but then you know Trying to stay hopeful, for you know not being selfish About how we feel about death, but selfless and saying like, okay, this is the end of that chapter For that person, but it's the beginning of such a beautiful and better chapter for them, no matter how that makes me feel. You know what I mean. And that's, that sucks, you know that's. That's really hard, especially when it's someone that's close to you or someone that you love. But it's, yeah, it's.
Speaker 2:It's a tough pill to swallow, for sure. I mean, there's several people that I've, you know, lost over the years in ICU or just wherever, like I remember coding somebody on the bed running down the hallway from a rapid response. There's just things that stick out to you and you remember and those things just they move you and it's sad. I've lost patients and I've just had to cry about it because it's just it's sad. You've taken care of them for so long. You know they share things with you when they're sick and you know you get close to them and like even now as a nurse practitioner, you know having to tell patients sometimes that they have cancer. It's hard, you know, like I leave a lot of those rooms sometimes and I have to just find a dead hallway and cry because you know, it's all you can do.
Speaker 2:You know, you're human and you should feel those emotions, trying to, trying to drown them out or say that you know, suppress them and it's not healthy.
Speaker 1:No, no Releasing.
Speaker 2:You got to release it. Yeah, you got to let it go. You got to release it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I got to let it go.
Speaker 1:You got to release it. Yeah. Yeah, I've definitely learned that for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's. It's hard because you don't have time and I know you know, but yeah, you get, you grow to love them though. I mean you, you, I mean I've I've loved so many patients. It's like you know you, just you feel for them many patients.
Speaker 3:It's like you know you just you feel for them. Yeah, for sure. Well, we're, we're closing in on on time this evening. I still we have this storm coming and I have to still be getting. Okay, I have to trade cars. I've got still an evening left. So, yeah, thank you, and I'm tired, I've got to get, I've got to work again tomorrow. It doesn't end, nurse, life never ends nurse life never ends, nope no, it doesn't.
Speaker 2:No hashtag beast mode totally right this beast is ready for bed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, beast mode in my bed, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so we got pretty far. Did we even make it to nursing school?
Speaker 1:Kind of we got the reason why she went yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm long-winded this may be the worst mistake of your life.
Speaker 1:That's funny. Let's have Beth on. I'm long winded. This may be the worst mistake of your life. No, it turned out so beautiful, so different than what I was anticipating never again.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, you're coming back. You're coming back. We're going to have a little mini series with you. Yeah, it's great. We hope you've enjoyed this week's episode remember the conversation doesn't end here. Yeah, it's great oh boy, we hope you've enjoyed this week's episode. Remember the conversation doesn't end here. Keep the dialogue going by connecting with us on social media posted in the links below or by visiting our website.
Speaker 1:Together, let's continue to redefine nursing and shape a brighter future for those we care for. Until next time, take care, stay curious and keep nurturing those connections.
Speaker 3:And don't forget to be kind to yourself.